Nick's Blog
Captain's Blog
30/11/2005 @ 17:21
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What are BBC documentaries becoming? Today I noticed they're repeating "The Future Is Wild" for the school holidays; it's a show about what life on Earth will be like in 100 million years time and it was complete bollocks. A series of bizarrely hirsuite American scientists were wheeled on to give their opinions about what creatures will have evolved in 100 million years time and their stock answers were "we can't be sure at all, but anything is possible...even fire breathing flying meat eating ants might evolve". The key words being "can't be sure...anything and might". But cue BBC CGI graphics, of the type used in "Walking With Dinosaurs" of these scary ass future creatures. We were treated to the 25 foot tall giant walking land squid that will inhabit the permanently raining forests of the new Pangea mega-continent. Yes, a 25 foot land squid. Now I don't have a degree in biology or crypto-zoology but I do know that squid and octopi are invertebrates and the only reason they have a shape at all is that living underwater gives them a shape. So how the f*** does a giant inverebrate rule a coniferous forest? "And smaller squid swing from tree to tree, more agile than modern day gibbons" says that arch voice over whore, Tim Piggot-Smith (I swear if he were to die, the discovery and history channels would implode). Already I have an image of overweight, single guys holding cans of beer, watching this and phoning their friends going "yep, this COULD happen". But to really insult my intelligence, they conjure up another future creature; a flying fish. Oh no, not a fish that jumps out of the water and flies through the air for a couple of seconds, these future fish are like turbot...with bat wings. And our Tim says, "these future fish can take to the skies...they are called....Flish". Oh you're taking the piss now! I reach for my phone, I call the BBC's complaints department and have this discussion:
"What the f*** is this show about future animals?"
"Ah, 'The Future Is Wild'...we have high hopes for it, are you enjoying it?"
"No...no I'm not bloody enjoying it. It's complete tosh!"
"Ah..."
"Don't you 'ah' me...25 foot tall land squid..."
"Yes, well we...."
"Don't interrupt. Beetles with tank turrets firing poison, giant spiders who farm hamsters...hello? This is utter bollocks!"
"Well, we wanted to prompt a debate..."
"A debate? About how much bollocks BBC2 can possibly spout? How on earth can you justify a concept about....Flish?"
"Well....we were hoping you wouldn't notice the Flish"
"How could I miss them? 'And in the future, Flish will dominate the sea and the skies'...complete bollocks!"
"But we...."
"What is it?"
"Well...we..."
"WHAT IS IT?"
"Erm......bollocks"
"SAY IT AGAIN!"
"The show is....bollocks"
"SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!"
"We, the BBC, admit that we've made a show that's complete and utter bollocks. We apologise wholeheartedly for this and in future we shall stick to what we know...Meercats and promos with people doing silly dances."
Blog Brush
21/11/2005 @ 23:11
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Well, we're all gearing up for the proper launch of this thing; just got to get some actual films online for you lot to look at because, let's face it there's not much to do on here right now except admire the pretty graphics that my main man has designed for here.
But, I tell you how serious we take things here at Rhubba to make sure that YOU, the viewer, are entertained....I enquired about hiring a genuine Brown Bess musket (with bayonet)...did you know you can hire one for as little as £20 a week? WHERE'S YOUR GUN POLICY NOW, CHARLES CLARKE? EH? EH? EH? So yes, I'm going to hire one in January....why? You'll just have to wait and see.
Bloggy disgrace!
18/11/2005 @ 15:18
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This summer, myself and my minions Nick (the other one) and Richard (known as Dick for official purposes) entered some of our sketches for the ITV show, "Shoot the Writers". Well, we saw our work on the telly and I must say I'm.....underwhelmed.
First of all, these sketches have been written by us and performed in front of live audiences. The format for "Shoot the Writers" was that each sketch had to be either two pages long or no more than 3 minutes in length, so we cut some of the dialogue and jokes from the live versions to fit the formats. Then the producers cut some more lines when they filmed it. No big problem, they've got time constraints and at least they kept the really good jokes in. When we saw the filmed sketches at a test screening, we thought they were pretty well done.
Between that test screening and last night, they cut even more out leaving our lovely 2 page 3 minute sketches no longer than 20 seconds each. Gone were some great gags, characterisation and even a sense of what was going on. The cuts were brutal and the editing resembling what happens when you leave a 4 year old with a pair of gardening shears and some VHS videotapes.
It's pretty deflating to see work you've done, worked hard on to make sure the gags are right, tested in front of audiences just get treated this way. I know they had time constraints but we felt a bit short changed compared to some writers' work which had long establishing shots and dialogue. I spoke to Nick (the other one) and we are now more determined than ever to do things right and our way. We can't trust third parties to treat our work with respect so stay tuned to Rhubba.com (when we get things uploaded) to see things the way they should be.
...I still hope we make it to round 2 of "Shoot The Writers" though.
Blog on Blog
04/11/2005 @ 16:12
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Here's my random thought for the day; have you ever noticed how in a 70's disaster movie, it's always Robert Wagner's fault? Who installed the dodgy wiring that caused the fire? Who cut back on the safety features on the plane? Who's planning to rob a bank during a meteor storm? Who imported the rotten fruit that caused a swarm of killer bees to infest America? It's always Robert Wagner.
"Chief...I don't understand it...I'm detecting a seismic shock that's way off the scale...that's unheard of at this time and in this location!"
"WAGNERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Oooh, when I get my hands on him!"
Robert Wagner, every time! And even if you don't actually see Robert Wagner in the list of credits, that's because he's wearing a Richard Chamberlain mask for that movie!
