Nick's Blog
Blog to Reality
31/3/2006 @ 10:58
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Well, yesterday I had a meeting with my website wallah, the man who makes all this possible and who shall remain anonymous for the time being (his wishes, not mine) about how rhubba.com has fared since our launch two months ago.
When we began this project last year, we figured that we'd get about 200 hits a month for the first few months. Ladies and gentlemen, the statistics are now in.....
...we achieved 300 hits/month so far.
WOOOO HOOOO! Let's give it up and have a cheer! C'mon, let's go Oprah! WOOO HOOOO! I want to thank you, and you and you and you and especially you! If it were medically possible, I'd not only have your children I'd suckle them and pay for their schooling as well. The mysterious one and I also discussed where rhubba is going next, well I'm here to tell you what's going to be happening soon:
1. Our third sketch is currently being edited. This is the full, unedited "Pefectionists Anonymous" sketch AS SEEN ON ITV if you happened to be awake from 12:30am to 1am.
2. TWO new sketches are going to be filmed in mid-April.
3. Podcasting is coming! As well as visual and written fun, you can now hear funny voices as well....just like having schitzophrenia only not.
Well, I'm off to the Cotswolds now this weekend with wifey to celebrate 6 months of still being married. Please don't burgle my house whilst I'm gone and once again, thank you all for returning to visit here and exceeding our expectations by a factor of 50%.
Blog in the USA
27/3/2006 @ 11:55
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I know someone who belives the moon landings were faked. I also know Richard and Judy and Fern Britton belive it as well from the fact they keep wheeling conspiracy theorists onto their shows to talk about it. So, using deductive reasoning I worked out what it would take to fake the moon landings.
Now those who belive they were faked concentrate on the film set where it was allegedly done, the dodgy photos, the lighting on the set and the radiation levels. But to concentrate on them denies the pure genius of how the landings were faked. For it was absolute genius, the like of which has never been seen in human existence before or since, that successfully pulled the wool over all our eyes for more than 30 years. It took more genius to fake the Apollo Programme than it would take to...well, actually go to the moon itself.
First, NASA was clearly a fake organisation for a start. Whatever pretence to genuine space exploration they had was pushed to the side in order to dedicate it to its true mission to faking space exploration. Billions of dollars were spent on NASA and not only did they have to spend that on creative ways to simulate moon missions, but they had to hide the money they couldn't spend (it's not as expensive to not go to the moon, you see?) in a way that every government audit office couldn't find it. This was the crowning achievement of a government that was responsible for the invasion of Cambodia, the Bay of Pigs, rising inflation, slow moving race relation laws, loss of law and order in the USA and the Watergate break in whilst managing a losing war in Vietnam. I mean, they couldn't control those but they could fake a moon landing!
Next, they had to have assembled the greatest scientists and engineers in the Western world; men and women dedicated to great feats of discovery and knowledge such as Werhner Von Braun, John Humbolt and Chris Craft. These people, who from a young age dreamed of designing the craft that would go to the moon, who dedicated their entire lives to that goal, which would have been their crowning glory and....abandon all that and fake it instead. Not only that, they had to become some of the greatest actors the world has ever seen when they gave convincing press conferences on the Apollo project. How they have lived the rest of their lives without ONCE blabbing their terrible secret is a feat of acting and self control to be truly admired. And it's not just controlling the top scientists that had to be achieved. No, all the astronauts, administrators, technicians and NASA personnel (which must number in the 1000's) had to live this double life and keep the terrible dark secret to themselves. What's that you say? Only a few top people knew it was all a fake and the rest of NASA genuinely belived they were working on a moon programme? Then that makes the deception even greater as the evil ones came up with a fake programme that fooled even their top engineers! Brilliant.
So, after pissing billions of dollars away, convincing scientists to spend the next 15 years of their lives living a lie and fooling the others, what next? They built rockets, capsules, lunar modules and spacesuits so convincing and realistic that the world's scientific community were totally fooled. Why, some of those Apollo capsules were so realistic you could imagine them ACTUALLY going to the moon! What's that you say? The capsules were real and could have made it to moon but not with a crew because the radiation in space would have killed them? Oh well, that's the perfect get-out clause; "we can't go to the moon because mankind can't survive the radiation. Let the Russians go, they'll die and we'll be seen as the clever ones because we foresaw it. Russia left with egg on its face, we don't have to waste time and money going to the moon. Only they didn't go for the face saving option, they went ahead and decided to fake it instead.
So after faking the Apollo engineering, and losing the Apollo 1 astronauts in a launch pad fire (either to make the whole enterprise more realistic with a disaster or to silence Gus Grissom who was about to blow the whistle...there's no proof for that, but we can make it fit the theory), they finally send Apollo 11 to the moon. Fake NASA has been totally convincing, the rockets and capsules have passed muster and fooled everyone, we've even fired the Saturn V to the moon to fool the radio telescopes around the world tracking it to make it seem more real...yes, you have to ACTUALLY launch a real rocket to the moon and land an unmanned lunar module as well otherwise the radio telescopes (some of which are in Russia) will suspect something's wrong.
OK, cut from real, unmanned lunar module on the moon to the film studio. At this point, NASA has assembled the most talented people to fake things but screw up with such minor details as a wavy flag, wrong lighting and funny crosshairs on the photos! Oh, if only they had done their work better at this point they would have gotten away with it. After all, if you're going to hire Von Braun, greatest rocket scientist that ever lived, then you surely must be able to hire a decent lighting and photography expert instead of some guy who was available that day?
OK, landed on the Moon, erected a flag time to go home and claim the glory but wait....they bring moon rocks back! Yes, not content to fool the world's rocket and space scientists, NASA have faked moon rocks that will fool top geologists as well. Or else they bribed the geologists and they're in on the conspiracy. Wow, it must take a huge shift in character for a trained geologist to want to abandon a lifetime spent examining the mysteries of the earth and cosmos in order to perpetrate a lie for a government that habitually underfunds them and devalues science....that's dedication and patriotism for you!
Done the moon, got the glory, time to get out while you still can....ah, but to quit so soon will arouse suspicion so better to send a second moon mission, possibly a third, to cover the tracks. But they didn't stop there; they sent SEVEN lunar missions, all faked, all utterly convincing to 97% of the world's population. Even after the world stopped paying attention to the moon missions, they kept sending them! All part of the conspiracy I'm sure...just can't figure out why though. And that special trick they used to fake the Apollo 13 disaster, again so utterly convincing, was inspired. They didn't have to go for THAT much realism! Was it to make up for the dodgy photographs and bad lighting on the film set?
But the real genius of faking the Apollo programme was the way America; land of efficient government (particularly in the late 60's and early 70's) where no plan they ever put into action ever went wrong or was sussed by the press or Joe Public, was able to completely fool their greatest rival, the Soviet Union and their ruthlessly efficient spy organisation, the KGB. I mean the Reds had agents planted in top Pentagon, State and NASA posts and they never ONCE suspected the Americans faked the moon landings. Even if they had, then for some unknown reason they never told the world, which would have thoroughly discredited the US and destroyed their reputation at home and throughout the world. Such a missed opportunity the Soviet Union passed up!
Phew, once you think about it, it would have been easier to ACTUALLY send men to the moon!
Blog off
22/3/2006 @ 10:06
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OK, this happened a while back. My memory was jogged by a similar experience in the local TA centre. I was just about to meet Wifey outside the National Gallery so we could go and see the Raphael exhibition (don't you just love stories that begin like this?) and I needed a waz (like I said, don't you just love stories that begin like these?). Popping into the gents toilets at Charing Cross station, I parked myself at the far left urinal, at least 3 spaces from the next guy along (see, I know the rules...heck, I WROTE most of them!) and I look at the wall ahead whereapon I saw a disturbing sign. It was a small white plaque with blue London Transport font writing on it. The words read "Rodding eye position situated behind this panel". What is a Rodding eye position? Was I pissing in front of a two way mirror and behind it is a bunch of Railtrack employees or Ken Livingstone looking at me with one hand down his trousers? And why have a plaque telling me this? What kind of male toilet heresy is this? I was nervous, I couldn't get out of there quick enough. "Rodding eye position" was going around my head, what did it mean, why taunt me with it? I got to the gallery and sunk into the arms of The Beloved, seeking her warm embrace and succor from the nightmare that is Charing Cross gents. The Raphael exhibition was great, by the way.
The Blog and the Short and the Tall
15/3/2006 @ 14:39
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For today's rant, I like to direct my ire at the age group 12-16. "An easy target", I hear you say..."hey, I'm one of those!" Is another thing I hear you say, but the loudest thing I hear you say is "hey, can I get some fries with that?" and I'm sorry sir, I'm just serving this customer first.
What is it about this loathesome bunch that has got me going? Well, apart from lurching from giggling uncontrollably to psychopathic rants, thinking text message communication is a gd thng and screaming into people's ears...not to mention that they think the Top 40 is a good thing, it's the fact that they've been given internet access.
OK, I confess, my annoyance at the little gripweeds is largely due to my encounters with them on the interweb. I'm sure most early teens are OK in small doses and with adult supervision and a hefty dose of mood stabilisers but the junior netheads display a frightening degree of rudeness, paranoia, hysteria and illiteracy and all in large doses.
Read this, does it sound familiar to you?
I THINK UR SUCK CUZ MY SITE IS LIKE FAR BETTER THAN UZ GO GET A LIFE AND DIE YOU I GOT TOP SCORE IN MAX PAYNE. U ONLY RATED MY BLOG A 1 N ITZ 1000000000000000S BETTER THAN YUZ.
I'm telling you, they're running the internet! People of the world, beware! One of them has a website devoted to this!
http://ninemsn.video.msn.com/v/en-au/v.htm?f=39&g=ac022e9f-3a32
-4866-a11b-3acd05d75078&p=aukids_auhi-5&t=s33
Well, we all know what HE does when he watches this clip!
What About Blog?
07/3/2006 @ 15:35
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Well, it's nice to be back after an enforced absence. Where have I been? Well might you ask. You might well ask. Might well you ask. Well, you mask white.
Wifey and I have been moving house. We made the arduous journey of moving from Belsize Park to.....well, a street around the corner in Belsize Park. 10 carloads of stuff (8 of them mine) and only two of us to shift stuff. It was like trying to use an eyedropper to move house.
Then, oh joy of joys, there was no phone line. Now I don't want to speak ill of a major British telecommunications company so I'll just say their name begins with "B" and ends in "ritish telecom". For them to shut down a phone line at an old address and restart it at the new one takes 7 days (that includes internet connection). Added to that, the phone cable in our new house was damaged and an engineer had to be dispatched. Fortunately he made it just before the end of time which is why I'm able to write here from the comfort of my own home and not in a sleazy internet cafe....oh, and I'm referring to a specifically grotty one. I won't mention any names except to say they begin with "E" and end in "asy everything".
Wind
