Nick's Blog
Dieu et mon Blog
29/8/2006 @ 21:27
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OK, this is a legitimate thought to have, right? Last weekend I briefly thought about how far down the line of succession I was to the throne of Britain. How many members of the Royal Family would have to die before I became king; 100? 1000? 10,000 or 1,000,000 (Wifey's estimate)...now we've all had these thoughts at one time or another, right? RIGHT? Hello, the silence is deafening in here! Oh sod the lot of you!
Anyway, a Britain with me as its king wouldn't be a bad thing. For far too long, the talk in the media is about modernising the monarchy. No, no, no, no, no! What is needed is a more old fashioned kind of monarchy, something that rekindles those days of yore, where courtly virtues reign supreme.
For example, we spend far too much time and effort sending the Queen or Prince Charles to day care centres, hospitals and schools. And it's extra work for those people who work there. They have to tidy the place up, make sure everything is presentable and get the dead pigeon out of the gutter. The Queen visits and within an hour she's off again.
Instead, the Royals should stay put at Buckingham Palace and have a big throne room and audience chamber decked out in all the regal finery where the public come and have an audience with the Monarch. It'll be nicer for them to have a day out at Buckingham Palace and be awed by all the splendour rather than be stuck in the same place they're always at.
And the Queen or King would totally act the part of the grand monarch!
"Bring forth my next subjects! And pray, who are you?"
"Irene and Madge from the Brecon Day Care Centre, Your Majesty...we look after the elderly, disabled and homeless"
"I approve of such things! Lord Chancellor, bring forth a chest of gold sovreigns for these good folk. Now, Irene and Madge, go back to Brecon with this gift and tell your charges that I, their monarch, wish them well! Now be away with you! Who is next?"
"We represent the Cuckmere Valley Jams and Conserves company; makers and distributers of Cuckmere Valley range of sweet comestibles"
"Step forth, and bring me a sample of your wares for me to taste! Hmmm, this is the finest jam I have ever enjoyed! Lord Chancellor, let it be known that from this day forward, Cuckmere Valley Jams and Conserves will enjoy my royal favour! Have my crest adorn their jars! Now, bring on my tumblers and jesters!"
You see, rather than the standard "ooh, that's nice, you must be proud" you get from the Queen or "fascinating, I meet people from all walks of life" from Prince Charles, you would get a more vibrant and regal monarchy, full of the Divine Right of Kings and giving a bit of colour to Britain. And the monarch should wear capes more often! Capes and brilliant uniforms that don't conform to any known armed service.
So, let us leave court and ride to York! Bring me my falcon!
The Unbearable Lightness of Blog
25/8/2006 @ 22:32
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Some days the muse doesn't want to come out and play. I sat here today (well, not ALL day, I do have other things to do) thinking about what would be today's blog entry and nada, nothing. Inspiration has up and left me without leaving a note and having drunk all the milk in the fridge as well.
The temptation is to do nothing; after all, the Hitler Cross blog entry is doing well under its own steam, why not let that one play itself out over the next few days whilst I think of something devilishly witty come Monday, or Tuesday or Wednesday.
As my website wallah, the inimicable Moth (one of his various noms-du-guerre), says "you've got to update and keep updating the blog regularly...and no, regularly does not mean bi-monthly" or in the parlance of seasoned internet hacks; blog early and blog often. So here I am, without any "strange but true" stories, no anecdotes about strange people what I have met and no stream of conciousnessness either.
So I looked at other people's blogs for some idea of what to write, and they basically boil down to two writing styles. One is like, really neat, you know, like I was down the mall and like, Shelly totally blanked me out and what was really sweet about it was like, Ninjas and stuff are so cool, y' know?
The other style takes the mundane, the trivial and the everyday and magnifies every nuance, peering into the microcosm of the glory that is the day to day. So as my fingers glide across my keyboard, the clack-clack-clacking reminiscent of a herd of crabs scuttling across a beach somwhere on one of the Windward Isles, I am catapulted back to the events of the day, where the purchase of some Brita water filters and the resultant and inevitable queue made me question the nature of retail consumerism...goodness, I've got to stop, I'm boring myself!
Aloo Blog
23/8/2006 @ 21:18
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Listening to the "Today" programme on Radio 4 I heard a news item about a new restaurant in India called the "Hilter Cross". Patrons can dine in luxury in a red, white and black decorated restaurant whilst a huge painting of the man himself looks down on you.
I love what the owner says about the justification of the Hitler theme: "We wanted to be different. This is one name that will stay in people's minds ...
Wanted to be different? You certainly have done that...only Mel Brook's has been that different with the Hitler theme (excepting the sitcom "Heil Honey I'm Home" but the less said of that the better) and he was being ironic.
And I love the understatement about Hitler and his legacy...the one name that will stay in people's minds...I can imagine a planning meeting of the restaurant's bosses where they're sitting around a table brainstorming name ideas when all of a sudden one of them blurts out "HITLER!"
But I love that last line "we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different"; what, by slaughtering 6 million of your patrons? By annexing the Sudentenland while-u-eat? All you can conquer for £10? Want to look at our Dessert Fox menu sir?
The manager then says "This place is not about wars or crimes, but where people come to relax and enjoy a meal,"...I don't know about you, but I find it hard to relax and enjoy a meal with an enormous portrait of Adolph Hitler looking down on me.
Meanwhile in Chicago...it's now illegal to serve Pate de Foie Gras in restaurants. We in the West just can't compete in restaurant scandals! Chicago might want to be on the look out for a branch of Hitler Cross opening in their city soon...
Joke Blog
21/8/2006 @ 23:19
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It was rammed home to me this weekend just how "safe" life has become. I was at a church holiday weekend in Eastbourne (yes, the place you go to die) and for reasons too long to go into here, I bought a couple of rubber snakes. I thought I'd strategically place them around the place we were staying at: In people's beds, in the fridge behind the cartons of orange juice, perched precariously on door frames where they can drop onto unsuspecting victims...heck, you know the drill; this is practical joking 101.
Anyway, one of the guests on this weekend asked me if I had any phobias. I said no and this was his cue to launch into a lecture about how traumatic it can be to see a snake if you have a phobia (ophidiophobia). I explained that I chose my marks carefully; those who I knew had no phobias but it didn't seem to wash with him. What I was really thinking was "geez, it's just a rubber snake, mate!"
Elsewhere, we had a lot of fun in the swimming pool engaging in what can only be described as all out violence. We had a rubber dinghy and various people fought over it, tipping people out, hitting each other with the floats and bomb diving. I can't remember the last time I was allowed to just cause havoc in a pool without being told to stop by an officious lifeguard or self-appointed do gooder.
Now back in university, we played a game called Killer; you got a whole bunch of people, each one of them has the name of the another in the game and your job is to try and shoot them with a water pistol until only one of you is left. This was tried in London recently but no...with all the extra security you can't play a game like that without risking being gunned down or had up under the Prevention of Terrorism act.
I'm feeling wistful for a lost age of mild danger and irresponsibility...where you could play at an "adventure playground", which was a haphazard and lethal wood and old rubble construction with loads of rusy nails jutting out. Where water bombs were pelted almost at random at whoever. Rubber snakes, plastic spiders, water pistols that actually looked like pistols. Man, I just want to do some mild evil right now!
Blog of Terror
16/8/2006 @ 17:00
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It seems this scary ass TV production logo issue won't go away. Today I've been put onto a new lead and a new source of America's hidden nightmare:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp4k7Mt_exk&mode=related&search
I imagine the scene back at Paramount Studios in 1969 as the head of logos maps out his vision of a snazzy promo that will raise brand awareness to his editing staff.
"OK, I want us to have PARAMOUNT in modern bold typeface"
"And you'll want it on a bold background as well...I suggest blood red; it's an eyecatcher."
"Brilliant! OK next we zoom in on the Paramount mountain..."
"Really fast"
"Yes, really fast...catch the viewers unawares. They'll think they're going to quite literally crash into the mountain and they're powerless to stop it"
"The inexorable Paramount Mountain of Fate"
"You can't escape us! We make your TV programmes!"
"OK, we can do that. So blood red background, quick crash zoom into the mountain...what next?"
"We need some music. Got any ideas?"
"Here's something Mike composed the other day...it's called 'Closet Killer' and I think it'll work great; given what we've already got in the promo."
Yes, the piece of music Paramount chose was called "Closet Killer". Lovely.
You must understand, I'M not traumatised by all this, but I am fascinated at how people can recall not the programmes themselves, but the most insignificant bits at the very end of them. The discussion boards are getting full with this stuff! Don't believe me, just Google search "Scary TV Production logos" and see what you get. Hopefully, Rhubba will be in the top 1,000 hits.
I expect this subject to appear on the news in 3 months time. That's because our lovely TV journos are always months behind what the rest of us already know about the internet. At the moment, they're reporting on Geriatric 1927, the old bloke who does a daily video blog with his eyes shut. I'm amazed the guy hasn't died in between the time when people started to notice this was the hot internet item and the time the news twigged. And you're sure as hell know the topic will be stone cold dead and passe the moment the news reports on it. Next week, the news will report on "The new fad sweeping the internet...blogging".
Viablog
14/8/2006 @ 19:20
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Have you been hurt or traumatised by a TV production logo, and you think you're entitled to compensation, then why not contact Rhubba.com and speak to one of our advisors.
Yes, the wonderful world of the internet strikes again. THE hot topic out there right now is scary ass TV production logos at the end of programmes. What do you mean, you haven't heard of this? Well, it's lucky you have me, your cultural filter with his finger on the zeitgeist, to shed the light.
I must admit, I was surprised by this whole movement of people being freaked out by production logos: It's like when you go to the local community centre to sign up for a French speaking course and you accidentally end up at a meeting of Bicycle Seat Sniffers Anonymous. Suddenly you become aware of something you never knew existed but yet once exposed to it, you don't forget.
Still pretending you don't know what I'm talking about? OK, cast your mind back as far as it's TV watching history can go. Remember watching "Bewitched" or "I Dream of Jeannie" or even "The Waltons" or "Dallas"? If you stayed right through the end credits, you would have seen something like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bnyb42-cHyQ
This is known as the Screen Gems S From Hell. It's merely unsettling rather than scary ass...the squeaky primitive synthesiser combined with the blood red graphics on a faded yellow background undermine all that merriment you derived from seeing Darrin humiliated yet again by Endora only to have Samantha save the day. The jolly "Bewitched" theme tune wiped out by the son of 50's B-Movie theramin.
The kings of scary ass TV production logos are Viacom. We've all heard of them; they work on you subliminally at the end of every show...right about now you're probably hearing in your head something that sounds like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfZTUka8L9Q&mode=related&search=
Before that, the mandarins at Viacom gave us what can only be described as the Seventies Dystopia logo...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lB7xad-nbrA&mode=related&search=
At this sound, all Alphas and Betas would seek out the unmutuals and purge them from Citidome 1 into the Forbidden Sector. But THE scariest Viacom logo of all time, the one that still has grown men and women wetting their beds at the age of 47 is known as the Viacom V of Doom, and it is indeed frightening. Don't say I didn't warn you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH_o7l2rOkw&mode=related&search=
It's so relentless; that big blue V is coming at you and there's nothing you can do to stop it! It's going to squash you, your loved ones and everyone you've ever known into the dust! And that crescendo of sound; the synthesiser climbing higher and higher in pitch until your eardrums bleed with the sound of approaching thunder layered underneath. I don't blame people from forming support groups after hearing that! I do blame those who attend Bicycle Seat Sniffing groups though; that's just plain wrong.
But if you ask most people who were freaked out by production logos what the scariest and most upsetting one was; without a hesitation they will say "The Mark VII Limited" logo. Well, check it out and YOU be the judge:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVhFSTd1Bog
Now in "Hammer-scope"! Imagine it's not stone he's hammering with his clammy hands (notice the sweat on them? Now imagine a hypersensitive 7 year old watching that...now fast forward 30 years and the invention of 'You Tube' on the internet, now put it all together) but your forehead or chest. That Mark VII logo imprinted on your face forever. I think that's what George Orwell was getting at in "1984".
You're lucky I'm here to find this stuff for you, you really are. And to top everything off some bright wagm in an attempt to de-sensitise himself to his childhood trauma has mixed the Viacom V of Doom with the Japanese version of Power Rangers (or Kyoryuu Sentai ZyuRanger to give it its proper title). Just read that last sentence back. This is what the internet about in all its glory...no highly paid comedian could ever come up with it...risingsunranger, I salute you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYUrgc6ozoM&mode=related&search=
Blog Against the Machine
12/8/2006 @ 23:38
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Random stranger irritation. How many times a day do you get really annoyed or hacked off by the selfish and gittish behaviour of some total stranger who, within the space of 5 seconds, can get your blood boiling.
For me, this happened about 3 times last week. Those two student girls who jumped the queue in front of me at Waitrose and then gave me a look as if I was doing something wrong; as if I was getting in the way.
I had a nose bleed the other day on the tube. I held my head back and stemmed the flow of blood with a hanky but there was this one woman nearby who looked at me with utter contempt and disgust...as if I'd deliberately induced a nose bleed in a pathetic attempt for some attention. She equated a nose bleed with drunkeness.
But pure evil came in the form of the woman who was driving a black BMW SUV, talking on a mobile phone and who failed to stop at a pedestrian crossing whilst people were on it.
Why do they do it? Why do these people act in a way that is contemptuous and oblivious to others and with a total self-centredness? More to the point, why do I get annoyed, really annoyed by it? Surely these people are nothing to me; within 10 seconds they'll be gone out of my life forever so what does it matter if they've been complete twats for this brief period...surely my indignation and anger is futile.
Also, by hating them and judging their behaviour because I've been slightly inconvienienced, I have disregarded other factors that might come to their defence. Maybe that woman in the BMW was taking a call no mother would ever want to hear: The hospital informing her that her child was in a critical condition in intensive care. So what if she momentarily failed to stop at that crossing and broke the law talking on the phone whilst driving: What's a concerned mother to do?
And those girls; maybe they were in a frightful rush...a lecture starting soon and those meagre items of food is all they've had to eat for 3 days because they've been working hard to meet an essay deadline.
The woman on the tube...maybe she has a phobia about seeing blood. Maybe the sight of my nose bleed has triggered off a painful memory of how she once had been in trouble and probably bleeding to death.
You see, there's two sides to every story....
...NAH! THEY'RE SELFISH BASTARDS!
Let's not pretend here: When that woman took that call, she would have had no idea what it was about so she can't use the dying daughter routine. She chose to break the law, she chose to nearly run people over because she was too self obsessed to notice and she drives a f******* BMW SUV in North London which makes her git of the month.
Those student girls were trying it on; they conned their way in front of decent people who respect the queueing process and the right of way and they went all Vicky Pollard when confronted. Selfish...little...bitches that's what they are.
You see, these people are gits and we need to call them out for what they are; show their true colours to the world. Every idiot that has his stupid dance music blaring out at the highest volume in his car. Every obnoxious drunken youth that thinks it's cool to shout and swear on the tube in front of kids. Graffitti artists who can only doodle "Splooj" on an otherwise nice wall. Every family that goes shopping and walks very slowly in a line abreast so that no one can get past them AND who go deaf when you say "excuse me please". Smokers who light up in a non smoking area and who refuse to extinguish when politely asked....you are all selfish, vain, obnoxious walking insults to humanity who all deserve a slap at best and complete neutering at worst. We've got your number, we know who you are and we're going to get you when you least expect it!
Jurassic Blog
09/8/2006 @ 16:44
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It's been a great few weeks for me; lovely holiday in Devon, work is going well and everything's going Jackanory... but my elated frame of mind came crashing down today when I saw that yet again they're repeating that bollocks nature programme on BBC 2: The one where they hypothesise what wildlife will be like in a million years (SEE BLOG ENTRY FOR DECEMBER 2005 FOR PREVIOUS RANT). Today's bollocks animal was a tortoise the size of Wembley stadium. OK, there's not enough food to feed a creature like that; that's what happened to the Diplodocus...too big, too slow and not enough to eat, so how does a tortoise that can host an F.A. Cup final find enough to eat? Oh, say the madmen who front this programme...vegetation will evolve that will get bigger. Ahh, that makes sense, lettuces as big as a double decker bus...NO IT DOESN'T! So I found out where Mark Byford, the man responsible for a lot of BBC programmes was hiding and I duffed him up. He confessed that they got this show off Channel 5 as part compensation for giving them Tim Marlowe. I told him that was a crap deal...they were getting the better end of the deal and he said "oh yeah, I didn't think of that". I handed him my Webley service revolver, left the room and said "I think you know what the honourable thing is to do now".....
Blog at Ten
07/8/2006 @ 17:19
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Two news stories on the radio this morning:
1. Apparently the Daily Mirror want school cross country runs to be counted as bullying and they want them stopped. But why not go the whole hog? Let's classify homework as bullying. Or when, during a roll call, the teacher deliberately overemphasises those syllables in your name that sound a bit rude. No, it was not character building to be called "Nichol-ASS".
2. A woman being interviewed said "we offer a service for girls who, when they go on holiday, don't want to end up at a wedding." Yeah, I hate that. I remember going scuba diving in the Red Sea some time ago and I ended up stumbling apon a wedding between two scuba diving fanatics who had obtained a special permit. I got turned away because I didn't match the dress code: charcoal grey wetsuit with dove grey tank, flippers and face mask.
Seriously, this story was about young British muslim girls who get invited to go and see Auntie Rupinda back in Pakistan for a social visit but get roped into getting married when they arrive. Now imagine this scenario and the one I just described above coming together. Make a good film script that.
I was given a link to this really great music video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv5zWaTEVkI&feature=Views&page=1&t=w&f=b
Go on, watch it...WATCH IT! And then when you've done watching it, go to your local gym and try it.
Nick J. and I had a script writing session that involved not a lot of writing but speaking on tape...we've come up with a really pureile and infantile sketch that made us laugh. You'll get to hear it before long but be patient!
99 Blogs of Beer on the Wall
04/8/2006 @ 17:45
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Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Keep the noise down...I've just come back from the British Beer Festival at Earl's Court and I feel a bit, how you say, uuuuuuurrrrruuuuuuuuggggggguuuuuurrrrhhhhhhhhhuuuuuggggghhhhhhhhuuuuugggguuuuuuhhhhhhhhhkinhell.
Wifey and I started with an Old Hooky, then had a pint of White Witch, Mystery Tor, Cornish Knocker, more Mystery Tor, Pitchfork, another White Witch and Treadmill, the mightly lager with the world's first great taste of fish. British real ale names generally fall into two categories: Rural names that suggest farmyards and vague sexual innuendos featuring women's anatomies or sideways references to gay sex.
I also met Wout Polders, the guy doing the Ghent Olympic bid. We've never met in person before; I first met him on the now defunct "Toads and Motorcycles" BBS. He recommended we try a Belgian beer called Bink. It took forever to get served by the Flemish barmen. I joked to Wout that at this bar it was a case of "Bink and you'll miss it" but his English, whilst fluent, doesn't extend to witticisms.
So today I've spent with my head a little sore and the taste of Cornish Pasties in my mouth. Now be a good lot and keep the noise down.
Knight Blogger
02/8/2006 @ 21:49
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I didn't think I had anything to blog about today...it was a nice, calm, relatively nondescript kind of day, the only surprise was bumping in to my mum at the local shopping centre in the morning. However, after we chatted for a bit and said our goodbyes, I was confronted by a horrible sight....
...David...Hasselhoff (the antichrist himself, check out http://www.esquilax.com/baywatch/ ... will ... be ... signing ... his ... autobiography ... at ... my ... local ... shopping centre.
I repeat, the Dark One himself is going to be less than a quarter of a mile from my house signing copies of his autobiography. And in case you doubt his pure evilness, here are some excerpts from the case against.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3382491587979249836
or this...
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-720650682163363570&q=label%3Adavid+hasselhoff
Anyway, how do I deal with this shocking news? Obviously fate has placed me in a geographical position to stop him, to take him out in the parlance of Anthony Soprano. Like Peter O'Toole in "Rogue Male" it is my duty to humanity to stop the Hoff! But how? Obviously I'd like to use Phosgene Oxime gas as a weapon of choice because it completely destoys skin tissue but I do realise that other customers at WH Smith will be affected. Now I do realise that if they're in WH Smith then chances are they're going to buy his book and talk to the Hoff so they deserve to have their skin instantly rot and fall off in excrutiating agony but what of the staff? I can't kill the staff because they're there just to do their job, unpleasant that might be in the presence of Michael "Shite" Knight.
So I thought about rigging the chair he'd be sitting in to pierce him with sharp, concealed knives when he sat on it before a large metal block shoots out from a wall and knocks him backwards into the hardback section. Then I'd move in with a flamethrower and immolate all copies of his book...My Life by David Hasselhoff aka The Necronomicon.
But he's the Dark One! I can't stop him by conventional means. I'll need Holy weapons! I will use the power of Christ to compel him to put himself in a Russian Soyuz rocket, shoot himself off into space and then aim for the heart of the star, Deneb, which is 400 light years away, will take him 16,000 years to get to whereapon he will be immediately immolated. Simple. But first, I will go into WH Smiths, buy his book, get him to sign it and THEN unleash my brilliant plan! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!
Wind
