Nick's Blog
Cops and Bloggers
29/9/2006 @ 17:19
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They've put. Music. In. The Bill.
No, I don't mean the old DUM-dum-de-DAH-DAH-DAH! theme tune but incidental music into it for the first time ever and...it's crap. It's someone on their Casio keyboard trying to put in random stabs, swirls and chords at inappropriate moments. What it reminds me of is when someone accidentally leans on a keyboard when it's plugged and you get some random cacophony. Even in the days of Jon Pertwee or Tom Baker and The Tomorrow People, when synthesisers were at their squelchiest, you could still get a tune to underscore the drama or tension. Not so in this week's The Bill. They've decided to use the music in odd places, such as when Sam Nixon decides to get a cup of coffee DANG-DANG-DAH-DAH....Waa waa waaaaaa!. DS Hunter parks his car and takes a moment to adjust his wing mirror WAA-WAA-WAAAAAAA! Dead prostitute found in the back of a lorry; not a sound.
The Bill relies on looking like crap for the most part because that's what makes the show look more realistic. Squelchy synthesiser music to underscore DCI Meadows' walk upstairs, filmed in glorious and eyeball burning bright video does not make a good mix. The Bill should always look as if it was filmed over one weekend in a converted industrial park by your mate what has a camcorder. Please, please, please Mr ITV men...just give us the shoddy video work and the dingy council estates, don't jazz The Bill up!
Get Your Kicks On Blog 66
25/9/2006 @ 20:44
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Greetings! All squirrels have been eliminated...no, you soppy bunch of girls...we repatriated them back into the wild. Anyway, I'm going to return to my tales of Colorado and bore you to death that way.
We arrived at Denver Airport and lost a piece of our luggage. It turned out that we had exactly the same design of suitcase as someone called NM Holmes and he picked up Wifey's suitcase and went off with that instead, leaving us his in return....he wasn't to know he had the wrong one...except for the fact that Wifey's case was about 20lbs heavier than his. Apparently it occurred to him when he lifted up her case that "hang on, this seems a tad heavier...must be jet lag or the pressure differential from the plane and dry land". But NM Holmes is nothing if not honest because they sent back our case a few days later with everything intact.
So, with all MY stuff and none of Wifey's, we set forth to Frisco (no, not San Francisco) for our first night in the Rocky Mountain State. We were met at the airport by my good buddy Kansas Kelly (see http://www.kansaskelly.com ) and some people who I'd never met in person before; Keema and Rhonda from Arkansas. The next day from Frisco, we made our way to Buena Vista across one of the Rocky Mountain passes and it was Wifey's introduction to the magnificent landscape. I can't really do justice to the place in text, so I refer you to my friend Steve's site http://www.stevegarufi.com and you can see me and all his friends living it up in Colorado.
A group of us stayed in this hire cottage and if you've ever self-catered in America you'll know that a) everything comes in huge quantities and b) it's all sweet or covered in melted Montery Jack cheese. So there was about 14 of us crammed into this cottage, playing practical jokes (the girls covered Steve's car in cling film...I hid their stuff whilst they were doing that), eating everything not nailed down and trying out Colorado microbrew beer (thus dispelling the myth that all American beer is rubbish...seek and ye shall find some quality stuff).
So much stuff went on...the first trip to Rocky Mountain National Park (the Western side and the Alpine peaks there), the trip to Ouray and Gunnison and exploring Salida which is near Buena Vista. A quick note about Gunnison; Steve moaned about it being dull and pointless but I found it to be clean, pleasant and with pleasant people...then it dawned on me that Gunnison was America's equivalent of Milton Keynes! A town designed to be clean, efficient and harmless and what do we do? Laugh at it!
When I'm in America, my favourite fast food (yes, no blog entry about America is complete without a fast food story) venue is Sonic. This is a drive in burger joint where you order at speakers and they rush out and deliver you your food. There's no sit down inside option. However, it does have corn dogs and I and Wifey consumed our first ever ones there! Lovely. Oh stop it with your talk of healthy options, nut cutlets and salads! Corn dogs are lovely AND YOU KNOW IT!
Finally, for this section, I got interviewed on the local community radio and you can hear the interview here on this website... http://www.pieceofgarbage.com/radio-show.htm
Now I must apologise for sounding a bit over the place...and yes, I do realise that I mangled Crispin Mills' gender up at one point by calling him John Mills' granddaughter. It was the breakfast show and with jet lag I wasn't at my most coherant. No doubt the nitpickers among you can find other things I get wrong but who cares when you're a jet setting media wannabe like me?
This is all for now, next I'll be telling ye tales vast wildernesses... of wild Elk! And Mountain Lions! And everything you need to know about Beaver!
Kill Blog Volume 1
21/9/2006 @ 22:54
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Once again, I'm going to have to take a small diversion from telling you more about my holiday in America. That's because this week we had squirrels in the loft.
Now, left unchecked, they will scratch away and gnaw all woodwork, chew through wires and light fixtures and crap all over the place. They were making horrible scratching noises as well at all hours so there was nothing else to do but get rid of them.
I don't know if you've ever hired a pest controller or exterminator but the experience is like hiring a contract killer (which they are in their own way). The guy comes around, very calm, very businesslike and he checks out our loft space.
"Oh, I see him. Yep, it's a squirrel alright" he then looks at me, calm as you like. "In the good old days, I'd dispatch him with a .22 pistol: One shot, one kill... but the government stupidly banned pistols so that's out...and your attic is too small to wield a rifle so we're going to have to explore other options."
"erm...what, what are these 'options'" I almost said "can you terminate him with extreme prejudice?" but I held back.
"well, there's poison traps, gas, or tasering him...once we have him in a cage the best method of dispatching him is drowning...your bath will do"
I thought about my bath now becoming a kill zone; it forever bearing the stain of squirrelcide and no amount of Domestos or Mr. Matey bubble bath would be able to wash away the murder. Not ever.
"Erm" I began to say, not wanting to sound like a wimp. C'mon, they were squirrels after all; rats with tails who carry disease and scratch your electrics and woodwork away. "Erm" I continued "actually, the wife would like them not killed but taken away and dumped in a forest somewhere" that's it! Blame the wife! Blame her girly soppiness! "I mean, if it were ME, I'd dispatch the little bugger but women, eh?" and an unspoken bond of agreement passed between Mr. Exterminator and me. More contract killer banter passed between him and me:
"So" I began "can you do it in a way that it won't be traced back to me...I mean, if the police or the RSPCA decide to investigate"
"Don't worry, sir, it will be totally untraceable to you"
"I don't want these squirrels killed; I just want to send a strong message to the squirrel community...you mess with me and my house and..." I drew a slashing motion with my finger across my throat.
"You want to make an example of the ones in the loft...I understand sir"
"I've never hired a...."
"Professional? Don't worry sir. Most of my clients are first timers. You've got a problem, I sort them out. Just get me the cash; half now and half when I've carried out the job" OK, I'm starting to make this up now.
So we zapped them, nearly hung them and put them in a cage BUT THEY WERE STILL ALIVE and that would keep me in Wifey's good books and keep my bath becoming the squirrel equivalent of The Killing Fields. The Contract Killer took them to a park a few miles away and let them go. And peace reigned in my attic once more.
I was bragging about this at a dinner party the other night and got a rebuke from my friend Rosie: another of these soppy girls and a vegetarian to boot.
"I tell you, these pest exterminators are very prompt and efficient" I said over dinner.
"You didn't kill it, did you? You didn't kill one of God's creatures?" she said, her face getting that look that chills soup.
"Erm, no...we repatriated it to a wood on the outskirts of town"
"So you say...you had them killed didn't you?"
"Look, they're vermin!" I implored, wondering why she couldn't see that squirrels in an attic is a serious health and safety problem. "First of all, they gnaw all your woodwork and electrical wires. Then they damage the brickwork every time they go in and out on one of their nut forays and let's not forget they leave a lot of squirrel crap in your house. And they carry disease..."
"Such as?"
"The plague for starters" I was grasping for straws here and I remembered a sign I read at Rocky Mountain National park the week before that said wild chipmunks often carried bubonic plague germs. Chipmunks/Squirrels...basically the same creature.
"But they've got every right to life as you and me" she said. Well, that's REALLY stretching a point, I thought, but I let it slide "and you get off on killing them"
"Hey, I never said I got off on the killing. I mean, I had to stop him from drowning the buggers in my bathtub!"
Now I hadn't told Wifey that we'd discussed this method of execution, I saw no reason to as we hadn't drowned them but now she turned around to face me at that point.
"You didn't though! Not in our bath!" she said, rather agitated.
"No! It was a mooted idea that's all!"
"Are you sure?"
"Well, I think I'd remember the sounds of squirrels thrashing about and gurgling in my bath if we'd actually done it!"
"Oh you disgusting boys!" cries Rosie "That's all you think about; killing, killing, killing"
"BUT...WE...DIDN'T...KILL...THEM!" I continued to plead but it was no use; I might as well have been part of the military-industrial complex, growing rich and fat on the profits of war and destruction for all they cared. I deserve the squirrel equivalent of the Nobel Peace Prize!
Blog in the USA
19/9/2006 @ 16:40
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Finally, the details of my trip to the US! Well, Wifey and I spent nearly 2 weeks in America, based in Colorado, and it was terrific. I achieved a number of firsts out there...I had my first corn dog, my first chilli dog and my first, and probably last, experience in a 5 star hotel.
Anyway, a few Rhubba.com thank yous are in order. I don't just want to thank and pay tribute to my friends, but to those people who along the way made the trip for me especially memorable.
First, I'd like to thank the barrista at Starbucks in Dumont, CO for giving us ideas for where to go and what to see in the state. He was very friendly, had oodles of enthusiasm and looked scarily like Chris Evans. And Dumont is at the foothills of Mount Evans as well. Hmmm, a connection? But it couldn't possibly happen could it? COULD IT? Or could it?
Then I'd like to thank Cherylyn Tassos and the guys at KDNK community radio, based in Carbondale, for providing one of the best radio shows to drive to on our long journey across state. Not since they purged Fluff Freeman from the Saturday Rock Show on Radio One have I heard a really rocking show. Cherylyn, I salute you. http://www.kdnk.org They even played all 20 minutes of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida!
Next, the boy scout troops of the Three Rivers District and your valiant efforts to keep the highways of Garfield County clean and free from litter. You see, in Colorado you can "adopt a highway" where once a month people volunteer to clear up litter on the highways. The state will even give you bright overalls and all the bin bags you can carry. These brave scout troops go out into the parched scrublands of Western Colorado where the sun relentlessy pounds the poor boys hour apon hour. Boy Sprouts, we salute you!
Also on the adopt-a-highway front, I want to pay tribute to The Olivan Sisters. I have no idea who or how many of them there are. A Google search led me to a porn star called Leslie Olivan but that was singular, so I don't think the star of "Playboy Dreams: Twins At It Like Rabbits" moonlights as a litter concious citizen with her siblings somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. All I know of them is from the little purple sign that says "THE NEXT TWO MILES CLEANED BY THE OLIVAN SISTERS". Add to that, the Employees of A1 ski lifts, the High Mountain Republicans, the Idaho Springs Democrats, Friends of ColoradoGuy.com, the Over The Hill Gang and everyone who has volunteered for this scheme and we have a lot of people out there to pay tribute to...Rhubba salutes you all!
So, I went to America and I have returned with tales of litter collecting! See what benefits there are when you're with Rhubba? What would you do if we weren't here? On second thoughts, don't answer that.....
Action Blog
16/9/2006 @ 01:44
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Well, I'm back from my 2 week holiday in Colorado USA and no, I'm not going to talk about it just yet...I'm leaving it until next week. Instead, I want to talk about how YOU, the Rhubba viewer, can become your own 1970's Action! hero with very little money, time or physical ability.
Sure, if you're one of the modern multiplex fodder, who think xXx was a good movie or that Nicholas Cage is a bona fide action hero, then that's fine...in it's own modest way. True Lies was OKish, Tom Cruise was...well, Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible and Jack Bauer does OK but where's the panache? The style? The joie de vivre as the Germans say?
No, stripped of the modern CGI big budgets and with Jerry Bruckheimer still squeezing pimples and worrying about not doing his Geography homework, your 1970's Action! heroes were the real deal. We're going to look at how YOU can become one...I am going to tell you how, and I am going to tell you when. You'll soon have that je ne sais quoi, as the Egyptians say.
First, you've got to announce your arrival with a bang! Take no prisoners! Show that you are one mean bastard (pronounced 'bas-tad' not 'bar-stard') who isn't to be messed with. Grab your audience by the proverbials and don't let go until they say "my, your hands are cold". And for that, you can't beat these guys:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjhBdo1I2dY&mode=related&search=
Now if your budget can't stretch to crashing cars through windows or Kendo lessons, you can still achieve a lot with a couple of mates, a black ring binder, Photoshop and After Effects on Final Cut Pro. Making an Action! entrance requires nothing more than attitude and a kick ass soundtrack. Think your life is mundane? Why not turn the little things into an Action! situation; for example, you see a scuba diver on the beach asleep and you're worried he might get a terrible and painful case of sunburn if not alerted. With a bit of attitude, you can make that an Action! situation...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KB3F059khLE
Still stuck for inspiration? Why, even a trip to see your grandpa recovering in hospital can get the Action! treatment...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BENjyyiP8tk
You see? It's all in the attitude. Now you've made your entrance, you need to be able to handle yourself in a fight. Classic Action! heroes don't need to win every fight, or even most of them. In fact, you only need to know how to win the last one. Take some notes from this adventurous chappie as he struggles to take on some hired goons...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_p3LvBv12bo
You'll notice that less than half of all punches thrown actually connect with the target...that's OK though, it's important to react and reel as if you have been hit; being able to stagger convincingly in a fight is an important Action! skill.
Some like the intense, wordless fight; the only noise being the slap of a hand against a watermelon sound effect as punches are thrown. Others like to banter a bit and throw quick witticisms around like left hooks. Watch and learn from these two...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wn6DT_TELiI
Note the cunning use of a strategically placed shotgun to end the fight. In the world of Action!, the shotgun always has the last word.
But every Action! hero must be able to handle a fast car with style. Car chases are notoriously difficult to achieve with ease...it takes practice. Start off by pretending that a random bad driver who is weaving erratically all over the road is in fact an international crime lord and he's out to get you. Then practice fleeing from him...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVvygOAEWSg
With improved Action! skills comes the adoration of the general public. They need never know you just imagined that someone was chasing you and maybe next time there'll be a fit young girl in that bus queue.
A good way to practice a car chase in the Action! style is to bet a mate £20 to see which one of you can get to the pub first; loser buys the drinks...and try to play some thumping phat hip hop techno sounds on your stereo as you drive. See these two guys do exactly that...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIvY47CrIxg
If no one is around to have a car chase with, you can easily goad some random stranger into one. Just look out for the type of driver who easily loses his cool and taunt him...he'll respond and hey presto! You've got yourself a car chase...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_KinNQsK8g
As you can see, you do run the risk of antagonising the wrong sort of person if you do this. But still, lovely run-dive-roll and prone from our man there. Hope you're taking notes, there'll be a practical test afterwards.
The biggest everyday hazzard for the classic Action! hero was the sniper. They were practically on every street corner or rooftop ready to take someone out, sometimes even you. Get a mate to stalk you with a sniper rifle for a few weeks. Don't worry about accidentally getting shot; the rule of snipers is simple...the bigger and more complex the rifle and scope are, the more inaccurate it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsE_exeo0HM&mode=related&search=
What girl could resist you shouting "you're being shot at, get your head down behind the horse's neck!"? Make sure your friend is wearing a padded suit before you run him over though.
Finally, as an Action! hero, not only do you have to act the part, talk the part and be the part, you've got to look the part as well. You're going to need to look cool, stylish and distinctive. Remember, you're everyone's idol, nobody's fool. Take some tips from this all round Action! hero and get some new threads...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_fgbupGKkU
Test Blog
16/9/2006 @ 00:47
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This is just a test...nothing to see here.
