Nick's Blog
Long To Blog Over Us
20/12/2007 @ 08:19
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Great news story this morning: The Queen is now the longest living monarch in British history and to celebrate that fact, the BBC's royal correspondent came up with this gem on the Today Programme:
"She's achieved many milestones in her reign..."
Ooh, could that be something like maintaining the relevancy of the monarchy in a modern, liberal democracy? Or overseeing the transistion from a British Empire to a Commonwealth of Nations? Sadly, we didn't get that fact. What we got was...
"She is the first monarch to have sent an e-mail..."
Yeah because, as we all know, George III hated computers and would conduct all his business over the phone.
Yet another example of the news caring less about giving us the relevant facts and analysis and instead going for meaningless burble. I suddenly had a "Yes Minister" type brain wave and worked out how the different TV news shows would cover the Queen's landmark:
BBC News: Tucked away in mid-bulletin, it would be reverential and at the end we would get some cheerful banter between the newsreaders along the lines of "she's done very well" and "here's hoping she's still around for the next milestone" (presumably when she becomes the first British monarch to go parcour running) before saying "now here's Rob with all today's sport".
ITV News: They would make this their lead story. Alastair Stewart will practically yell the headline "QUEEN REACHES 81...WHAT NEXT?" whilst Nina Hossein will pout at the camera in a "ooh look at me, I'm gorgeous" way mixed with a look that vaguely suggests that she thinks you're a paedophile but won't say anything.
Channel 4: Jon Snow will announce this with a hint of cynicism before interviewing an expert and asking him questions along the lines of "so what impact will the Queen being 81 have on the economy?"
Channel 5: Will announce it much like ITV but with a phat thumping bassline.
BBC News 24: Rolling news will suffer with this story much like they suffer with ever other story they cover. They'll rush someone over to Buckingham Palace after giving them all of 20 seconds preparation time and then ask them to be the news equivalent of a dancing bear....watch them flounder before our eyes....
"Erm...well, we've received no official word from the palace as yet...no...we HAVE received word but it's not official that the Queen is, as expected, 81 years old and has just passed Queen...Richard? No, sorry, Queen Victoria the Second...I mean First...has just passed her record in staying alive. We haven't seen any sign of the Queen (touches ear piece)...I'm just getting word that she may have died...nope, sorry, we're getting word in that she's had a fried breakfast this morning...erm, more details on that later."
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm still committed to the complete destruction of all news media.
The Blog Remains The Same
11/12/2007 @ 16:08
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Rock history was made last night...Led Zeppelin performed live for the first time since....I think it was Live Aid but even then they billed themselves as Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones instead of Led Zeppelin out of respect for the drummer, the late John Bonham.
I think it's good that they haven't gone down the road of reforming to boost their publicity. They certainly didn't need to; this is the biggest selling back catalogue group of all time and their name and music live on. All someone has to do is foolishly attempt a cover of "Stairway To Heaven" and Zeppelin get their cut. I was going to include "Whole Lotta Love" as well but then I realised there are actualy 2 really good cover versions of that.
I didn't fancy selling my liver on Ebay to get a ticket for last night's show, but I was there in spirit anyway. Seeing footage of them performing on the breakfast news and not hearing one disparaging review today gladdened me...I never doubted the band, just the media's perception of them. I was wondering, in this day of X Factor and the rise and rise of Simon Cowell, how Joe Public would view a veteran British rock band...perhaps the finest ever (and I speak as a die hard Yes fan) doing things that haven't been seen or heard in mainstream media since the early 80s. Could a generation who have been ruthlessly drilled into believing that singing is all about "I believe I can flyyyy-aaaiiii-aiiiii-yyyyyy" and imitating Beyonce or Mariah Carey or those who actually believe Maroon 5 can sing listen to Robert Plant and say "everything I knew until now is wrong" and return to real power in the vocals, being able to hold a note and pitch their voices to the point where they can be heard over real backing musicians and not a backing track?
My hope is that last night was not a last hurrah of a great beast, but a fire that has been ignited in the next generation of pop...I mean ROCK singers.
El Muerto Bloggo
06/12/2007 @ 10:25
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The case continues of John Darwin and his wife, Anne. He's the guy who went missing whilst canoeing in the sea 5 years ago and vanished, leaving only his battered canoe to be found and who has re-surfaced, alive and well, this week. He claims he can't remember the last 5 years and his wife has been living in the sun drenched tax haven of Panama for the last few months. Hmmm, insurance fraud? Could be....
Now before we all start demanding that the Darwin's be burned at the stake, I want to turn my Accusing Finger of Wrath (tm) at the real culprits of this story: That's right, the Search and Rescue teams that tried looking for him the day he went missing.
"We tried to find any trace of Mr. Darwin but were unsuccessful". You tried? Really? Did you REALLY try? Did you vow on the lives of your children to find the man and never rest until you did? Or did you bimble around and say "ooh, it's a bit wet and chilly out there...let's get a cup of tea" instead? And the police have their part to play as well. Did they just accept an empty canoe as proof that the guy drowned or did they say "Hmmm, the Darwins are a bit short of money, he has this big insurance payoff if he dies and then he goes and canoes in the North Sea and goes missing but we find his canoe. No, nothing suspicious about that. No, because when you're a 52 year old man with money problems and a big life insurance policy and you're off canoeing in the North Sea you naturally get out of the canoe and leave it behind to be found and there's NOTHING SUSPICOUS ABOUT THAT.
The only reason this case has come to light is because Mr. Darwin walked into a police station and told the cops he wasn't dead. That's right: The alleged villain of the piece had to hand himself in to get the police to do anything. So let's not start getting excited around the water cooler about the Darwins...instead, let's all make "duuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh" noises instead.
Right, disclaimer time: I, the sole owner of Rhubba.com realise that our coastal Search and Rescue services, the lifeguards and volunteers save lots of lives each year and provide an invaluable service. I also recognise that the police force are very capable of solving crimes and generally keeping the public safe, an' all that, n' everything. If I'm suggesting that they are a bunch of numpties or, worse, that they may have conspired with Mr. Darwin to defraud the insurance companies, which ISN'T proven and is purely speculative at this stage but, let's face it, it kind of looks that way, doesn't it? And another thing, it isn't beyond the realm of possibility that the Darwins cut a deal with the cops back then and that plod has double crossed them, pocketed the bung and arrested them anyway which PROBABLY DIDN'T HAPPEN but hey, it would make a great movie, or at least a TV movie or even a "True Crime Re-enacted" thing with Michael Buerk. And anyway, these thoughts aren't mine but are being dictated to me at gun point by my arch nemesis, The Baron.
Video Killed the Blogging Star
03/12/2007 @ 17:31
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I've just finished filming a corporate video this last week, hence my quietness here. Corporates are strange things; you film actors going about doing stuff and yet it's not drama. You create scenarios and have sets and film their carefully scripted actions but at the same time, no one is expecting edge of the seat or cutting edge action. The acting has to be convincing, not moving and everything must be packaged to reach a business client or audience without ever challenging their reason for existence or their moral certainties.
When I first started in the film and TV business, when cameras were hand cranked and dialogue was handled by inter-titles and captions, I got a few jobs on corporate videos and information films. Some were good, some were sheer torture to work on (particularly those where the rest of the film crew were soulless grumps, who would kick puppies...or runners if they were closer (and I usually was within kicking distance) and some took themselves incredibly seriously.
Now that I'm directing stuff (and we have the talkies) I didn't know quite how I was going to feel about helming my first corporate video. I mean, after a couple of years doing comedy and getting stuck into stuff I really like and being excited about, the thought of showing the world how to ventilate a room or file an Anti-Social Behaviour Order against your neighbours didn't get the creative juices flowing quite like a good bit of comedy banter and a custard pie fight.
However, I did feel really motivated and creative on the day. I was backed up by a fantastic crew, that always helps, and a team of cheery actors who would tackle any request of mine, from hanging up laundry in a well ventilated room to flopping down on a sofa and taking their shoes off to show a small slice of a domestic life we can all relate to. We were filming the mundanities of everyday life in a rented flat and yet the crew were displaying little artistic flourishes: Little did I know that unpacking a car with boxes on a moving day could be almost balletic, as the male actor did a small back heel kick to shut a car door whilst the actress playing his girlfriend struggled in vain to shut the hatchback whilst holding a box of frying pans and mug trees. Finally, our young man trotted back to meet his true love and rescue a box in danger of falling from her hands in one smooth and syncopatic manoever. Nureyev and Fontyen my arse! Likewise, we managed to make the simple art of picking up toys from a floor look sexy...it's too bad I can't use that shot in the final edit because our target audience might be too distracted but I'll know and the cameraman knows just how sexy that shot could have been...oh well, it'll no doubt end up as a special feature on the DVD.
I don't think I'm going to win a BAFTA or Emmy with for this short info-film, but I'll look back on it with a lot of satisfaction. However, I can't wait to film some comedy again!
