Nick's Blog
Cillit Blog
26/2/2007 @ 12:30
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***NAME DROP ALERT! NAME DROP ALERT!***
Phew, just got back from a film shoot with Cathy Tyson. I got the job as Assistant Director almost at the last minute so it was a bit of working on the fly a bit without my usual preparation. I like to try to eliminate as many complications as possible before the start of filming something, because nothing costs more time and effort on a film shoot than realising you're miles away from home and you forgot someting really important. So I have the shot list for the director, a schedule that everyone can work from, 2 pens (because someone always borrows one off me and never returns it), script, map of how to get to the location and bus/train times, duct tape, reflective mirror to signal overhead planes, 5 yards of parachute silk....
But the unexpected does usually happen: This weekend, a broken ballcock on a toilet almost shut down our film. Someone, no one knows who but I do have a suspect, flushed the toilet in this small flat we were filming in and broke it. The cistern wouldn't fill up and the whole thing wouldn't flush. This being a Sunday, we had to find a plumber that could come around and fix it without getting in the way of filming. Not only that, we had Cathy and a child actor due to arrive any minute. Imagine having to say to the star of "Mona Lisa" and "Band of Gold" that "the toilet's broken, but that's OK because there's a truck driver's cafe around the corner and although it's normally for patrons, they'll let you use it if you buy a sausage roll off them as well." Or "I've identified 2 fairly thick bushes on a stretch of wasteland 400 yards away that would do in a pinch."
This situation was kicked upstairs to the Executive Producer who was prepared to shut the whole film down and send us home on health and safety grounds. A broken ballcock would cost us about £3000 in lost filming. So the director and I had a conference and then examined the toilet. We pushed a plastic tube down until we heard a click and the tank started filling again. Problem solved....well, almost. Every time it was flushed, someone had to lift up the cistern lid and push the tube back down. Not too unpleasant a job under normal circumstances and we briefed all the crew on this proceedure except....again, going up to a distinguished actress, classically trained, BAFTA and Golden Globe nominee and saying "just reach inside and feel around for a tube with a rim around it, push it down, lift the stopcock lever and replace the lid. Oh, and don't worry about the green toilet cleanser tablet in there either...the stuff washes off in 3 goes" just isn't on. Not when she has to do a scene where she cries over the body of a dead child.
So, in the end, one of my stranger duties on this film was to monitor every time she went to the bathroom...and then task someone to flush the loo after her and re-set the ballcock. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why stars have entourages.
Wired for Blog
20/2/2007 @ 11:36
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I spent 4 hours yesterday trying to get my MP3 player to work. I don't mean it was malfunctioning...oh no, I spent all that time trying to get it to work in the first place!
It was a present and finally I had the time to try and get it going. So after uploading the software, powering it up and so forth I thought I'd try transferring some songs from CDs onto it. Building a tunnel through the Pyranees would have been an easier pasttime.
The trouble with computer equipment is that the manufacturers don't think it's important to give you any instruction manuals to help you. What they give you is an impressive looking book that only tells you how to switch the thing on in 8 different languages whilst reminding you to register your newly purchased product at their offices in the Netherlands. All other instructions can be found on the downloadable PDF that is buried in some file on your C drive now that you've installed the device.
The PDF was most helpful in providing diagrams of the on/off button, what a viewscreen looks like (don't tell me, that clear plastic bit on the front) and what you SHOULD be looking at on your computer when you want to compile your play list. This will bear little resemblance to what is ACTUALLY displayed.
So I "ripped" a few songs off various CDs on to my computer...then "with just a few clicks", I could then transfer them to the MP3 player. Only, they didn't warn me that the computer will say no because the songs are all encrypted and password protected. Every single one of my CDs, even ones purchased back in the late 80s all had this so in effect I couldn't transfer a thing...was my MP3 player the biggest white elephant in my possession?
The PDF files had no answer to this. I was about to chuck the damn thing in the bin when I noticed something on my Windows Media Player computer screen: after "rip" and "burn" (I worry for the guys who coined those terms) came a button marked "sync". I had no idea what it meant and no manual I had could explain it either. So, for a laugh, I clicked on it and suddenly all those stored songs started getting in sync. Suddenly, those songs appeared in the playlist of my MP3 player. Huzzah! Result! After 4 hours I had 1 song on the MP3! The next few minutes saw the others upload.
I breathed a sigh of relief and the little device had a stay of execution. Still, the actual operation of the thing bore little resemblance to the manual or the PDF file: I think they should contain the disclaimer on the front page "inspired by how the MP3 Player actually works".
So this is the wonderful modern technology people rave about. They may be chunkier, clunkier and eat batteries like there's no tomorrow but when you had a walkman or a discman, you put the tape or CD in the machine, hit play and things happened. You got sound. You got music. So what if you have to fast forward over a few songs manually? I reckon you save more time doing that than "ripping", "burning", "syncing" clicking and dragging, arranging into a list, trying to find the skip button, missing the skip button and getting the menu instead and going through all your different options. Whenever someone shows me their new mobile phone with a gazillion options, wi fi systems, video features, e-mail and G3 capabilities I challenge them to a race....I get out my paper diary and try to call someone whilst they go beep-beep-beep and try to find and speed dial the same person using their nifty £100 plus phones with super menu functions and one touch systems. I beat them every time.
Less is more: Put the tape in and push "play". Just give me a phone with the numbers on it and I can work from there. Oh, and if you have a G3 phone...don't challenge me to a speed dialling duel; you'll lose.
Blogfish
13/2/2007 @ 14:50
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Neighbours: Australia's top soap opera, chronicling the lives of the inhabitants of Ramsay Street, Erinsborough (a fictional suburb of Melbourne). But they don't chronicle the lives of EVERYONE in Ramsay street, however.
Please don't ask me why I know this, but all the houses that have characters living in them are even numbered (according the show's official website). I said, please don't ask me why I know this and what I was doing looking at the show's website but trust me, it's a fact...characters in that show live in the even numbered houses. So who lives in the odd numbered ones?
"Ahh, finally...a chance to sit down with a nice cup of coffee and read this book I've been trying to read for ages."
BANG BANG BANG BANG..."YOU LEAVE DYLAN OUT OF THIS! SKYE'S THE ONE WHO CHEATED ON HIM WITH STINGRAY AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME...ASK CARL!"
"Oh god...the Timmins' are fighting with that Kennedy woman in the street again. I don't know why I moved into this street in the first place."
"IT'S YOU WHO SENT MAX OVER THE EDGE, ELLE...AND I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR TRYING TO SPLIT HIM AND ME UP!"
"Hi there, sorry to interrupt but you wouldn't mind keeping the noise down, do you?"
"WHO ARE YOU?"
"John Crampton...I live in number 21"
"NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE"
"Yes, I usually work nights but I've been living here in Ramsay Street for 20 years now and. Anyway, if you could keep the noise down a bit; the wife's not feeling too well and I'm trying to catch up on some rest..."
"YOU SAY YOUR NAME IS...JAHHHN? YOHN? J-OOOHHHH"
"Yes, it's John"
"STRANGE NAME YOU'VE GOT THERE...NEVER HEARD OF IT BEFORE. POLISH IS IT?"
Now I mention this last bit because I think I may have stumbled apon a conspiracy in the soap opera world: No one is ever called "John" in a soap opera. Sure, there have been Jack's but never a plain, simple John. We've had Skye, Declan, Thad, Brad, Shane, Mickey, Paige, Stonefish, Toadfish, Tad, Tadge, Stinger, Bree, Dylan, Mal, Alfie, Norris and Obahdiah but never a John.
OK, don't believe me? Try to name me a major soap opera character in any British or Australian soap with the name John. I bet you can't find one. Why do they avoid calling anyone that? There's got to be a bit of a conspiracy there!
Blog Stalker
08/2/2007 @ 12:13
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I've been wondering what's become of my two guest bloggers: Wout Polders in Belgium and Professor Baigent, the War Stalker.
Wout was out, so they say, but I did manage to get in touch with Professor Baigent (or "Dickie" as he sometimes gets called...whether he approves of that, I don't know). He'd been busy with his collection of "specialist dolls" (go figure) but he said he'd put something up in his blog to remind everyone that he hasn't blown himself up yet.
Anyway, he uploaded his latest blog entry today...thought I'd mention it here though.
Blogger the Hutt
06/2/2007 @ 15:16
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Filming of the new sketch went....well. The advantage of having an all-female cast is that the set smells a lot nicer than the usual sweaty gaffer smell you get on some film shoots. The disadvantage of an all-female cast is the fact that when I make a brief appearance in the sketch, I look like a cross between the love child of Harold Bishop and Spinal Tap's manager.
I shouldn't complain...I'm happily married and Wifey finds me not repellant but I'm still just self concious enough to notice my man breasts and paunch when I look at myself on the camera monitor. The camera adds 10lbs...more if I actually eat the damned thing.
I've noticed that my shape might be the reason behind why the best impressions I can do are George from Rainbow, Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama and Dave Mitchell fretting on "Peep Show". That's it...I'm going back to Canadian Military Fitness!
