Nick's Blog
Blog and Safety
22/3/2007 @ 15:04
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We're off for the weekend to go to a friend's birthday party...you know the rules, whilst I'm away don't burgle my house...and we're shopping for a present.
She likes cooking so we thought a great kitchen gadget would be ideal for her. I suggested one of those meat mincing devices and Wifey spotted a creme brulee blowtorch. I thought the blowtorch was cooler so I recommended getting that for a present. Wifey thought that it might be dangerous getting someone that for a present; I mean, what if it were to go wrong and burn the place down? I imagined a scenario where our friend, drunk out of her skull one night, has the munchies and spies an unfinished creme brulee in the fridge:
"Ha s***! There's no f***ing caramelised crust on this f***ing creme brulee! F*** that! Where's me special blowtorch? AAAAAARGGGGGHHHH! MY FACE! MY HAIR! PUT ME OUT! GOD NOOOOOOOO! IT BURNS!"
Not very likely to happen but Wifey's a bit more health and safety conscious than me. Now I'm not going to go into a "Wifey's more irrational than me because..." story because she isn't, it's just when it comes to acceptable risk, she is way more cautious than me.
I have a professional qualification in Health and Safety Risk Assessment and so after studying the potentials of what can go wrong, I feel secure in my ability to assess what an acceptable risk is. The formula is simple: You multiply the likelihood of something going wrong by the severity of the consequences should it. So, friend getting drunk and acting irresponsibly with a creme brulee blowtorch...likelihood: Small. Conseqences should they act irresponsibly with a creme brulee blowtorch: multiple painful deaths (I must point out that the worst case for any H&S scenario is multiple painful deaths).
My sister in law is even more disaster conscious. One time, the clutch on Wifey's car went and the three of us were parked along the A30 near Bagshot. We had to call the AA but the number and the policy details were in a bag in the boot of the car. I volunteered to get the bag, but Sis in law stopped me: "A car might not be able to see you and drive straight into the back of our car crushing you in the process" she said, grabbing my arm and restraining me. She taking the "think of the consequences first" line of logic.
"Yes, but that's highly unlikely; it's a clear day, visibility's good and the pace of traffic is slow. Besides, getting the bag will take no more than 10 seconds of my time." I'm taking the "yeah, but what's the likelihood of THAT happening?" line of logic.
"Well, you don't know...I mean, there are always stories in the news of people getting killed in situations like this"...now she's taking the "I read in the Daily Mail wot a friend told me about someone their aunt knew who was killed..." line of crap.
"Well, we need the AA policy details from the bag, without it we're stuck here" says me taking the "OK, what's the likelihood of us freezing to death and dying of starvation out here?" line of panic.
"Well, we have their phone number already; we won't need the policy number, they should be able to find it just from using our names and addresses" she's now using the line of desperation.
"Or they might not..." says I, using the "I bet we get through to a call centre in New Delhi and they won't have any idea of what we're talking about" line of bitter experience.
Anyway, 17 phone calls later and Wifey's Dad phones her with the policy number which in turn is passed on to the call centre, to an AA repair crew and a garage. When the AA man arrives, he walks right around the back of our car, where he ran HUUUUUUUUGGGGGGEEEEEE risk by exposing himself to potential ramming by a car who couldn't see him in his bright yellow jacket. And did Wifey and Sis in law tell him off and restrain him? No. It's an unfair world!
The Blogs Must Be Crazy
20/3/2007 @ 16:38
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Today scientists announced that they've been developing genetically modified mosquitoes that cannot carry malaria. A reporter on the news today spoke to one of the scientists involved and asked the question "but is tampering with mosquitoes in this way dangerous?"
Now if it had been me who was being asked this question, I would have replied:
"Pfft, it's just mosquitoes. Who'll miss them? Let's face it, they're the one creature I think everyone would love to become extinct. I mean, have you ever been kept awake at night at one of those antisocial bastards buzzing around in your room? They ALWAYS go for your ear; buzz right into it as if it's some kind of mosquito dare and they're mosquito buddies are chanting "Go Dave! Go Dave!"...in their mosquito drone of course"
"Well, what about those birds or animals that eat mosquitoes? Whose lives depend on them and other small bugs?"
"Well, getting rid of the bit of mosquitoes that carries one of the most deadly diseases known to man isn't going to put birds off eating them. I doubt if any Wrens or Blue Tits would say "you know, I've gone right off the taste of mosquito since they took the malaria out of them"
Whilst on the subject of arthropods, a previously thought to be extinct species of beetle has been found in Devon. The Fat Bodied Oil Beetle was thought to have died out after the war but lo and behold, a colony has been found and they're thriving.
Fat Bodied...Oil Beetle. Hmmm, lovely description. Apparently they are butt ugly with a thick body and short stubby wings. They also excrete a rather toxic oil hence the name. And we're happy some new ones have been found?
Blog Books
12/3/2007 @ 13:06
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Have you seen THIS? HAVE you seen this? Have YOU seen this? Have you SEEN this?
Revealed - the books we just can't finish
This story appeared on Yahoo today and in a small way, it confirmed my fears about us becoming a dumbed down culture. Sure, I can understand not finishing a boring or badly writtem book but this story goes BEYOND that...
"The Teletext Reading Report asked 4,000 Britons about their reading habits.
The findings suggest that in the digital age, attention spans are getting shorter, with four out of 10 respondents admitting they are unable to concentrate on long-winded novels."
Mind you, they can concentrate on answering a poll question. But it gets worse.
"Many also revealed they found it hard to make time for reading. Top reasons for this included; feeling tired (48 percent), watching TV (46 percent), or playing computer or interactive games (26 percent)."
Have they ever thought about reading on a train, or even making use of the best reading room in the house: The toilet. But maybe I'm being a bit too harsh; after all modern life can be very pressurised with longer working hours and increased pressures on our time so maybe we really WANT to read but don't get the same opportunities. That's it, we really DO want to read more if only circumstances permitted it!
"James Joyce's notoriously impenetrable masterpiece "Ulysses" came in third. Ulysses was also one of the most popular books that respondents admitted they buy for decoration, rather than for reading purposes."
Decoration....rather...than...for...reading...purposes. Oh my God. Has it really come to this. Just to catch people out, next time I see "Ulysses" in someone's book collection I'll say:
"I see you have a copy of Ulysses; don't you just love the deconstructive narrative and the exciting use of new and innovative language?"
"Erm...I haven't actually read it"
"What? You own a copy of Ulysses but haven't read it? Why is that? Why would someone have a copy of this book prominently on display if they haven't read it. I mean...I mean, that would suggest you bought it for decoration rather than for reading purposes. But only a complete moron would do that! Surely you are not such a person?"
But looking at the list of non-fiction books from 6 to 10 gives a clue as to who was polled:
6. Easy Way to Stop Smoking, Allen Carr 7. The Downing Street Years, Margaret Thatcher 8. I Can Make You Thin, Paul McKenna 9. Jade: My Autobiography, Jade Goody
Two books on quitting or lifestyle changing going unread...so that indicates people with low amounts of will power. A book on Thatcher and....Jade Goody's Autobiography. Yes, the people of Britain, after forking out money to buy Jade Goody's autobiography.....cannot finish it. Ladies and Gentlemen, we as a nation are doomed.
The Doobie Bloggers
07/3/2007 @ 17:51
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I don't know if you heard that story of the 68 year old grandmother who was found guilty of cannabis posession and use. I'm not going to go into the rights and wrongs of the debate or whether it should be legalised or not...it's just I noticed one thing.
She claims she's not addicted to cannabis...she just puts it in every meal, her tea, cakes, puddings etc. and that she just needs it to get through the day. I bet she'll next say she can quit any time she wanted to.....
Livin' Blog
05/3/2007 @ 10:35
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Sorry for the lapses in the blog recently; a) I haven't been that well and b) I've been vair, vair busy of late.
Last Thursday I went to the screening of graduation films by this years National Film and Television School students at the National Film Theatre. A good day and lots of beautifully shot and made short films to see...although all of them seemed to be about traumatised children or guys being dicks to their girlfriends. I don't know why student film makers seem to want to make films about traumatised kids, but every short film festival I've ever been to has loads of child actors looking scared and freaked out.
However, a good time was had afterwards as Nick J and myself had half drunken conversations with actors, film school administrators and even the head of the school himself. A few "some great looking films there...", "I thought you were really good in that...", "it's a shame there weren't more comedies this year..." to keep conversations flowing and Rhubba cards carefully handed out saw a fairly successful mission. The only casualty was my health; I had a rotten cold that day and my voice box was shredded the day after.
As an aside, at breakfast this morning, Wifey uttered another one of her terrific bon mots..."It's obvious Cliff Richard is weird". Now Cliff has been called many things over the years: cheesy, prince of pop, tennis fan, Christian, darling of middle aged women, wannabe Elvis and debatable choice to play Heathcliff (not to mention other aspersions that I clearly cannot mention for legal reasons) but weird is not one of the things most people would say.
Wifey's reasons for Cliff being weird are the fake permatan (OK, she may have a point), the dyed hair (granted, I'll give her that), the neck like a dinosaur's scrotum, the eternal cheeriness and goofy smile on the guy plus.......his love of tennis. Yes, tennis fans are weird, I mean it's obvious! Every tennis fan she's met she thinks is weird, Cliff is a tennis fan so natch; Cliff is weird. I meekly piped up that when I was a boy, Jimmy Connors was my favourite player only to get the Wifey Patented Look of Confused Pity in return.
At that point, she then began to expound a theory about Cliff's personal life but I had to stop her: After all, this is the Prince of Pop she was talking about...a bit of respect please! Cliff is a nice guy who goes about his music and his charity work without fanfare, pleasing the fans before quietly slipping into The Shadows.
