Nick's Blog
Blogging Can Be Harmful To Your Health
27/9/2008 @ 23:17
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I heard on the news today that there are plans to put pictures of diseased and rotting organs on packets of cigarettes in another attempt to dissuade people from smoking. Now I'm pretty much in the anti-smoking lobby and find it a disgusting and pointless activity but I wonder where this anti-smoking campaigning will all end. I mean, today it's showing rancid and decaying human tissue, tomorrow it could be:
1. Put small, razor sharp micro-blades in filter tips. When the smoker lights up, the blades stick out and gently lascerate the lips. The longer they smoke, the higher the blades rise until they go straight through the lips.
2. Hire people to follow smokers around and everytime one of them lights up, the follower looks them in the eyes and says "you will DIEEEEEE!"
3. Every 10th cigarette in a packet will contain a deadly toxin that will kill the smoker in excrutiating agony in 5 seconds.
4. Put an impotence drug in the tobacco.
5. Genetically engineer tobacco to smell like horse shit when lit.
6. Make tobacco a multi-part substance that need the precise amounts of other substances to work at all. Oh, and make it illegal for tobacco companies to put all the components together and instead send smokers out on long and arduous quests to find the components.
7. Shape cigarettes like penises that have tons of warts.
8. Much like convicts in America have to wear embarrassing orange overalls, make smokers wear puce coloured overalls....and oversized clown shoes.
9. Make it legal to shoot a smoker on sight...with a crossbow.
10. Ban all French movies.
Sometimes, I think the government isn't trying hard enough to ban smoking.
Swiss Army Blog
19/9/2008 @ 11:45
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the pace of technology grinds on and I start having pangs for my old VHS recorder I have to face a now daily reminder of all manner of new, trendy devices that are replacing my familiar trusted gizmos. And in most cases, the new shiny gadgets are monumentally craptastic.
I've railed against modern technology before: My biggest beef is that what is meant to be easy and simple to use, isn't. VHS recorders worked when you pushed a button. DVD players need start up menus, optional extras and reboot back to the beginning when you stop them in mid-film.
But nothing compares in sheer inanity to mobile phones and MP3 players. Everytime some smug dorkwad proudly proclaims that they never buy CDs anymore and that soon CDs will cease to exist because everything is downloadable onto an MP3 player, I remind them that they've spent money on NOTHING. They don't actually have music they can hold, see, or have in a solid protectable form...what they have is bits of electricity and a signal that they've paid for. In order to buy that one song, they've had to find a music website, had to register with it, signed the terms and conditions, used their credit cards to pay for it, click a million boxes in order to start to download it, discover that the download wasn't successful, try to download it again, find out they're paying for the song twice because the website didn't acknowledge that the download wasn't successful, try to phone the company but find there's no number and if there was it would be a call centre that never answers the phone, write an email to the company which never gets replied to, ask around a few techie friends for a better download website, go through the whole process again, finally download a song and then have it crash your MP3 player, delete itself or vanish completely when your computer crashes.
Personally, I like to go into a shop, pay for the CD in cash and if it doesn't work I take it back and speak to a human being who promptly replaces it or gives me my money back.
The same with mobile phones: I know people who brag about their iphones and all the things it can do...watch movies, get the latest theatre show times, access the internet, book holidays, take photos and video clips. I've even heard you can make a phone call with them as well. One iphone has a function that means the view screen is always the right way up no matter how you hold the phone. What's the point of that? If you can't hold a phone the right way up, maybe you shouldn't have a phone. Or sharp knives.
Then I realised that these gadgets share the same principle as the Swiss Army Knife. I remember in school kids who proudly showed off their Swiss Army knives to their class mates and all the different functions they could do. And the other kids were expected to go "woooowwww" and coo over them as if a small device that had 2 blades, a saw, a ruler, a fish scaler, screwdriver and even a magnifying glass was the greatest invention in history.
Let's be honest, Swiss Army knives are crap.
The blades never stay sharp enough and their not long enough to do anything useful like cutting packing tape. The saw can't actually saw anything larger than a twig, the magnifying glass is more like a clear lens (and can't fry ants in bright sunlight), the ruler only goes to 4 inches and the toothpick falls out and gets lost before you get the thing home from the shop.
And have you ever tried using a Swiss Army knife to do any task? What happens is that whatever tool you've pulled out slips and shoots back into the hilt, nearly taking your fingers off. THEY, ARE, USELESS!
So are these phones and fancy MP3 players. They make a big noise out of being multifunctional but instead they do everything at a really crap level. It doesn't matter if you've got a super duper iphone with all bells, whistles and mod cons; if there's no phone signal you've got nothing. Has anyone ever gotten a half decent photo where you can actually make out what's in the picture off a phone? Can anyone actually see or hear the movies they're watching on a phone?
If you want a decent photo, use a camera. If you want to phone someone use a phone. I don't want multi-functional devices if all the devices are shit. Got that Poindexter? GOT THAT? Go back to your drawing board and design me a phone that's JUST A PHONE. Oh, and give me my CD technology back.
We Hold These Blogs To Be Self Evident
05/9/2008 @ 15:32
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's heating up in the US election race, both candidates have chosen their running mates, the media have chosen sides and the head to head confrontation between Barack Obama and John McCain is about to begin...Mano a mano, black v white, Republican v Democrat, hawk v dove, youthful exuberance v age and experience, a duel between two men for the White House....
Wait a minute, isn't there anyone else standing for President? Well, apart from Ralph Nader and his green agenda there's a new, clear choice for the White House. There's a 4th man who is daring to break tradition and go it alone.
I give you Lee L. "Pat" Mercer Jr.
http://www.mercerforpresident2008.com/home
This man is clear thinking:
"The United States Government must regulate government sleepers and government regulations authorized thought, ideas, acts, actions, rights, wrongs, controversies, facts, issues and circumstantial evidence through intelligence research, law research, law enforcement research and criminal law research implementing ROTC communications research innovating education national and international."
...He is articulate:
"The United States Federal Congress has encouraged me to want to become President of the United States so that I can do what the President of the United States of America is supposed to do and complete the federal and military government biography and autobiography in development in Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Business and Commerce Intelligence Education across the board National and International."
...He is well educated and is respected world wide:
"I won scholar of the world in World Management at Rice University from the President Of Rice University development in engineering with him and the German Government."
...He knows who is responsible for the wrong doings in the world today and is not afraid to name names:
"To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease."
...and he is NOT in any way suffering from any paranoid delusions WHATSOEVER!
"To Prove every American citizen and International citizen are on a communications hot-wire hookup to hear my this United States Army Military Intelligence Academy Electronic Surveillance Hot-wire Hookup Intelligence Communications Program/Project by the United States Federal Congress, Texas Senate, U.S. Department Of Justice, U.S. Department of Defense, Texas Congress and the United Nations General Assembly for our safety under our martial law."
...He has a clear economic policy:
"There is concern about the U.S. Government Economy and the US Public’s Economy enforcements. I will enforce the U.S. Government’s Economy and the US Public’s Economy regulating its enforcements itself with its regulations pretaining to itself and according to it’s enforcements."
...He has a clear legal policy:
"There is some concern about the U.S. Government Legislative Branch enforcements. I will enforce the U.S. Government’s Legislative Branch Regulating its enforcements itself with its regulations pertaining to itself and according to its enforcements."
...He has a clear policy about the role of government:
"There is some concern about the U.S. Government regulating its government enforcement. I will enforce the U.S. Government regulating itself with its enforcements pertaining to itself and according to its enforcements."
...and not only does he have a clear crime and justice policy, he's even set a target that achievable:
"There is some concern about the Missing Persons in the United States enforcement. I will enforce Missing Persons missing enforcement regulating itself with its regulations pertaining to itself according to its enforcements to locate missing persons 100% and to stop kidnappings 100%."
How many other politicians are brave enough to commit themselves to achieving a 100% sucess rate in anything? I'll tell you; none.
But any political manifesto needs unbiased commentary and analysis from the media and although I could wax lyrical about Lee Mercer, someone on the net has done it pretty much to perfection. His name is Albert Walker and he runs a very good website called "The Agony Booth". Here is his hilarious take on Lee Mercer:
http://www.agonybooth.com/agonizer/Mercer_for_President_2008.aspx
A little Blogward
01/9/2008 @ 20:45
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right, I'm now back from a nice holiday in the West Country and once again, I want to thank each and every one of you regular readers for not burgling my house whilst I was away. I really appreciate that, guys.
Anyway, I'm not going to talk about my holiday, family life, Wifey, Junior, what we've been up to on Rhubba for the last few weeks or ranting against the human trash pile of complete feckwitdom that are Lunar Hoax Conspiracy Theorists. What I want to talk about here is not a million miles away from that last category though...
It's the increasing use of the word "retarded" on internet discussion forums. It seems that anyone and everyone (although mostly Americans) is using the word "retarded" as a term of abuse against those who hold different opinions to themselves or who don't express their opinions clearly. Not only that, ideas that don't quite add up are apparently "retarded", bad movies are "retarded" and yo mutha is "retarded" as well. It's now bandied around so much that it's replaced "dumbass" as the internet nerd's number one term of abuse.
...and I really, really despise it. I hate the word. I hate everything it stands for and I particularly hate the way it's used by people who don't think for a nanosecond before spouting their idiotic opinions for all passers by to read.
Let me go back in time to explain just why I have a problem with people calling each other retarded. When I was in High School, my best friend Greg used to tell a joke about a little Mongoloid girl who answers the door to a man conducting a survey. His telling of the joke involved a strangulated moaning voice, slurred speech, nasal squeaks and with his eyes rolling back into his head and tongue flapping out of his mouth; in short, a pretty mad impersonation of someone with Downs Syndrome. At the time we all laughed at the impression, which was extremely over the top, and the punchline was pretty good...if you were a 15 year old boy with insensitivity issues.
But as time passed and I got older, I met people with Downs Syndrome and didn't recognise them from the drooling, head rolling Transylvanian henchman impersonation that Greg used to tell his joke. And after meeting people with Downs, joking about their inability to communicate and backwardness just loses its appeal. Sure, there is some good humour material out there that involves Downs Syndrome and learning difficulties (The Onion's "US to deploy Very Special Forces" springs to mind) but that joke and impression wasn't it.
So we jump forward a couple of decades into a world where "u r a retard" and "no u r so retarded" has entered the vernacular and not only is it callous and disrespectful of people with Downs Syndrome, it's also technically wrong. You see, retarded people can't help the way they are...they are born with the condition. If someone poorly expresses an opinion that doesn't chime with yours, and you call them a retard then what you are implying is that their poor opinion is genetic and inborn and not the result of being just plain stupid and ignorant. So they are off the hook: They can't help the way they are and their choices are limited as opposed to them being mixed up, ignorant, egotistical, uneducated dickwads that they might truly be. Why don't we go back to that kind of insult? I find that if I call someone a "mixed up, ignorant, egotistical, uneducated dickwad" it has a bigger impact on them than if I used the default malaprop "retard".
I want these people that I argue with online to know that I think their wrong-ness is not the result of a genetic disorder beyond their control but because they have stubbornly refused to see sense, have patently ignored the plain fecking truth under their noses and have horrible personalities to match: All things that ARE within their control. They are idiots not because of fate but because they've chosen the path of idiocy.
So, if you're reading this and frequent internet discussion forums (the haven for all inane and mind numbing exchanges of what passes for ideas these days) then I suggest you refrain from jumping right in and calling someone retarded, perhaps telling someon off for using that word in the process. And if you do regularly use retarded to insult someone, then I suggest you get to know someone who is genuinely retarded and explain to them and their family just why you like using that word to abuse others.
