Nick's Blog
Rumours of my blog are greatly exaggerated
24/3/2009 @ 12:22
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Yesterday, someone was asking if I had died. I can assure you, I am NOT dead...even though I've been quiet on the blogging front of late.
No, another Nick Hughes has died...and by doing so has inconvienienced me slightly:
http://blogs.thetimes.co.za/minor/2009/03/23/sylvia-plaths-son-dies/
Nice though that the Dalai Lama offered condolences and when my time eventually comes I hope he chips in with a nice message and doesn't think "hang on, haven't I already passed on a bereavement message about him before?" Mind you, if he really believes in re-incarnation he would be happy to keep passing on messages of condolences over and over.
I wonder if it works that way with Bhuddists? "Very sorry to hear that your husband died, Mrs. Figgis, but like I said when this last happened to him it'll all turn out OK. Mind you, he was married to the Duchess of Hessen-Darmstadt at the time and they handled grief very differently back then. I suppose he'll be an ant in the next life and Queens of the nest don't need the same level of comfort and succor."
Depending on your point of view, a Bhuddist bereavement councellor could be either brilliant or absolutely terrible. "All I'm saying is that if he came back as a vole instead of a Duke, then maybe he didn't get that much support on the home front..." wouldn't be the most encouraging thing to hear if you were the wife.
Oh Viva El Bloggo!
18/3/2009 @ 14:22
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Right...I've just got back from Tenerife and a heartfelt thanks to all of you regulars who did not burgle my house whilst I was away.
When travelling abroad, it is the little differences you notice...just like Vince said to Jules in "Pulp Fiction" and although I didn't partake in a Royale with Cheese, these are the things I noticed that were different:
Butter. In the UK, butter (or spread) is a pale yellow colour like the kind you find on the walls of older peoples' houses. After spreading some on your bread or toast and taking a bite, you get that salty taste, that "gulp of sea water" you might say. In Europe (and as the Canary Islands are a part of metropolitan Spain, it counts as a part of Europe even though it's off the coast of Africa), butter is a pale creamy colour and there is no evidence of salt even going near it or making its aquaintance...which I prefer.
Lemon Fanta. This was always something that was a part of my childhood holidays and I believe lemon Fanta did the rounds in the UK in the 70s but now you only get in in places like Spain and Italy. More the pity because it's absolutely lovely. Some cynics may say it's just yellow cloudy lemonade but that misses the point: Just as Fanta isn't really like other orangeades, lemon Fanta isn't like those olde worlde cloudy lemonades either. AND...in the hotels you can get draught lemon Fanta. Result! Speaking of lemons...
Lemons. I've noticed that Britons seem to be going off lemons. Lots of people I know insist on their drinks, like Coke or G & T's don't have a slice of lemon in them and that gloopy syrups seem to be favoured over lemons with pancakes. I love lemons and if this zesty, although admittedly asperic, fruit vanishes from our shop shelves then it would be a tragedy. Over in Europe, the lemon is king over other fruit. Lemon as a flavour is natural...as strawberry is over here. You get lemon ice cream, lemon drinks and even lemon yoghurt which is freakin' fantastic. Speaking of yoghurt.
Set yoghurt. I love the yoghurts you get on the Continent (and Canary Islands). They're generally unflavoured and set, like a jelly. Natural yoghurt in the UK is very tart; one spoonfull and you're instantly doing a good Rene Zellwegger impression with squints and puckering lips and straining to tell onlookers..."no really...it's doing me so much....good!" European natural yoghurt is much creamier and milder and ever so slightly set like a jelly.
Babies. We took the little one everywhere and he was feted and doted on every second by the Spaniards. He had his own personal serving staff whereas I had to beg and plead to get a Pepsi for myself. Anything that Adam wanted, he got (although he still communicates largely through goos, burbles and arm waving) and served on a silver platter...nothing was too much trouble for the baby. Now contrast that with the UK. Taking a baby out in public is a huge bother for some people: Restaurants can't handle it, commuters roll their eyes in despair at the thought of having to share a train compartment with one and everywhere seems ill equipped to deal with the presence of babies...even the ailsles in Mothercare are too narrow to manoever a push chair down.
So, those are the little things I noticed that were a bit better than here. Of course, they don't do beer or chips like we do and their driving is largely crap but we would do well to introduce lemon Fanta, lemon yoghurt and lemon butter into our culture...OK, I made that last one up.
The 9th Circle of Blog
09/3/2009 @ 00:08
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I now have an image in my mind as to what Hell would be like: It would resemble a rolling news network, probably Sky TV news.
At my gym they have a TV screen in the men's changing room, which is permanently tuned into Sky TV news. As I was getting ready for my swim I saw the story about the Trade and Industry Secretary, Peter Mandelson having green custard thrown at him by an environmentalist. A non-story you might think. A silly and mildly amusing news item, doubly so if you don't like Peter Mandelson.
But in the hands of a rolling news network like Sky, this blip of a story gets magnified, strung out, bloated and analysed from all angles. The TV screen keeps replaying the incident over and over and over again: There's some people standing outside an official building...Mandelson steps out...a woman approaches him...he starts to talk to her...she throws a paper coffee cup filled with green custard in his face...some gets in his eyes...he recoils...his aides whisk him inside...the girl wanders around a bit...nobody pays attention...she walks off down the street...some people are standing outside an official building...Mandelson steps out...a woman approaches him...
Hang on, they're repeating that clip? Not only that, it's on a loop! It's on a freaking loop and I have to watch it all again and again and again. By this stage I've chosen a locker and have deposited by jacket and shoes in it but the news story keeps on going. Not only do we have the clip of the attack on a loop, there's a helpful ticker tape caption rolling along underneath telling me what's happening in the news.
"BREAKING NEWS...MANDELSON ATTACKED BY WOMAN ENVIRONMENTAL PROTESTOR...HAS GREEN CUSTARD THROWN AT HIM...BREAKING NEWS...MANDELSON ATTACKED BY WOMAN..."
So the caption has joined forces with the TV screen and is just repeating the same item over and over. It doesn't have to: I can see Mandelson being attacked by custard, I can hear the reporter talking about it so why the hell do I need the scrolling caption as well? Why does it take up nearly a 1/4 of my TV screen?
So I'm stuck watching two news items about the same story being played at the same time and vying for my attention. I want to ignore the scrolling caption but they've coloured it day-glo yellow and it takes up a large portion of the screen. And then they interview Mandelson himself...but they've relegated him to the right hand side of the screen whilst on the left side they're still playing the clip of him getting gunged and the caption is still rolling past saying "BREAKING NEWS...MANDELSON ATTACKED...". And because Sky has loaded this news item with so many extras, I can't actually hear what Mandelson has to say...I'm fixated on that shot of him getting green custard in his eyes over and over again. That imagery is distracting me...maybe he's saying in the interview that he's going to break into people's houses in the dead of night and feast on babies but I wouldn't know because the images on the screen in front of me are just bombarding me with redundant information.
For example, there's the scrolling caption, the Sky News logo in one corner and the time in another. And on top of that, they want to do SPLIT SCREEN shots? AARRGGHH! I don't need my TV to look so busy! I just want a bland man or woman to tell me the news, not fob it off to a ticker tape machine, and I don't want or need all this branding with logos shoved into the corner of the screen.
Yes, this is hell...to watch something mind numbingly boring and annoying again, and again, and again, and again...And at the end of it I'm no wiser as to what has gone on. Rolling news delivers little nuggets of information throughout the day to anyone who has not got the semblance of a life. Everything to them is "breaking news" even though we don't care what it is. Sometimes, the news crawls along at such a turgid pace, I have no idea what's going on in a story.
So as Beelzebub casts an eagle eye over me, he's already working out how I can spend eternity watching GMTV or BBC News 24. Sky is, of course, not part of Hell...it's one of the 4 horsemen unleashed onto this world.
