Nick's Blog
Le Royame Uni, Nul Blogs
29/5/2009 @ 22:32
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There's a scene in the movie "The Right Stuff" where a couple of men from NASA arrive at Edwards Air Force Base to search for suitable test pilots to become the first astronauts.
They are met by the Edwards' press officer who tries to introduce the NASA men to the greatest pilots there; Chuck Yeager and Scott Crossfield. The two NASA men tell the press officer that Yeager and Crossfield don't fit the profile and aren't going to be considered for astronauts. So the press officer says:
"So you're not looking for our best pilots then?"
And this, in a similar way, is what the Eurovision Song Contest is if you're British. Sure, the UK has rivals in the world pop stakes like Sweden and France. Even Italy, Germany and Holland can put out internationally successful songs, but Britain has been a world leader in pop music over the decades and yet we never send our big guns to compete.
I've checked the rules; there's nothing stopping the UK sending David Bowie, Jimmy Page or Paul McCartney out to write and perform a song for Europe. Bung enough money to Amy Winehouse or the Gallagher brothers and you can get them to enter the contest. But we never have sent our best.
Yeah, yeah, I know...Cliff Richard. But we gave him a birthday song to perform. If he had "Devil Woman" or "Wired For Sound" that year he would have walked home...General Franco or no General Franco fixing the voting.
It's so British to give the opposition a sporting chance by sending B listers, talent contest winners and people who can't sing in tune to Eurovision when we've got Elton John and Iron Maiden back home in reserve. Do we get a smug sense of satisfaction in the knowledge that we would easily win if we wanted to, if we really tried? Or have we succumed to the Graham Taylor school of England football team selection where you leave out your Chris Waddells, Peter Beardsleys and Paul Parkers because you think the likes of Carlton Palmer and Geoff Thomas will do just as good a job.
But there are times when either we've been thumped and beaten and we've deserved it: *ahem* Gemini *ahem*. I'm sorry, even without the Iraq invasion we would still have gone home with the big round nul pointes.
Then there are times when you look back at a British winner and thought "my God, if they won then how bad were the rest?" I'm looking at you, Brotherhood of Man.
And then there was the time when we clearly didn't have the best song but we got away with it. I take you back to the year 1967: Britain was swinging, the Beatles had just released Sergeant Pepper, Pink Floyd had broken into the charts and the British invasion was taking the world's music scene by storm.
...And yet we had failed to win the Eurovision Song Contest; despite all our pop talent. The previous year, the French stormed to victory in the Serge Gainsbourg penned song "Poupée De Cire, Poupée De Son" and sung by the delightful France Gall. The ante had been upped, and by the French of all people. The Beatles had put British music on the map 5 years previously and yet the cherry on the cake, the recogition by the peer group of Europe was still forthcoming. We had to send someone who could do Britain proud and arm them with a song that would wow Europe to their knees. A plan was hatched, but one thing stood in our way...
Luxembourg.
Seriously, the smart money was on Luxembourg in 1967. Now the Luxembourg music industry isn't very big and if it had to sustain a Eurovision entry based solely on a nationality basis then it would consist of two guys alternating each year for the last 54 years. But the rules allow a country to enter anyone of any nationality and so Luxembourg chose an 18 year old Greek girl who lived and worked in Germany and wrote a song in French for her to sing on behalf of Luxembourg. That girl was called Vicky Leandros. The song was "L'Amour Est Bleu" and if you've ever been stuck in a lift you'll know the song to be a lovely, haunting baroque tune.
Apon hearing the song, Britain should have just packed up and gone home that year. But we stuck to our guns...because we had.........
SANDIE SHAW singing PUPPET ON A STRING!
There's a saying, if you can't win by fair means, win by foul and that's what we did. Vicky Leandros is cute; Sandie Shaw is a gorgeous amazon of a woman. Vicky had a bob haircut, Sandie's was so sharp you could hone knives on it. Vicky wore a cute minidress, Sandie's dress barely covered her arse.
And we used a tactical ploy to win over the other judges: We entered "Puppet On A String", an oompah loompah song designed to appeal to both Germany AND Austria. Two nations won over with one song, bargain!
And Vicky, bless her, performed so nicely and sweetly...and she looked right into camera with her very big eyes and did some wistful smiles. Sandie on the other hand, belted out Puppet on a String at the top of her voice to the assembled crowd. They were clapping along and getting into the party spirit. This was not lost on the judges.
All it needed was a gimmick, all memorable winners of Eurovision have a gimmick from whipping off skirts, being a transsexual or dressing up as Orcs. Being that this was 1967 and a more innocent time, Sandie took off her shoes and performed in her stocking feet...attached to those long legs, those piercing blue eyes...ahem, where was I? That was enough, Britain had won despite knowing deep down that a better song had lost out.
But a year later we had the best singer with the best song lose out to a strange effort called "La La La". And in retaliation we won again with "Boom Bang A Bang" just to show we could stoop to the onomatopaeic level with the rest of them.
If the contest is to regain some respectability again, you need that Anglo-French rivalry bubbling up again: The sophistication of French Ye-Ye music going toe to toe with British whimsy and mod pop. Just like the Americans and Russians and the space race. Which is where we came in.
You're Breaking My Blog, Hans
27/5/2009 @ 09:32
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Condemnation for North Korea's detonation of a nuclear device, coupled with it's test firing of short range missiles, has been heard from countries all around the world. Here are some reactions from various nations:
United States: "Outraged"
United Kingdom: "Deeply concerned"
Russian Federation: "Disappointed"
People's Republic of China: "Worrying"
France: "Zut alors!"
Germany: "Gott In Himmel!"
South Africa: "Shit!"
Uruguay: "Fuck!"
Australia: "Holy crapping Christ on a bike!"
Ivory Coast: (sinking down on to their knees and arms outstretched to heaven) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Belgium: "Hmmmmmm"
Mexico: "We echo Uruguay"
India: "Arse"
New Zealand: "Oh no, why have they gone and done that?"
Egypt: "Bummer, dude"
Finland: "Fuck fuck fuckedy fuck fuck"
Ukraine: "I'm a teapot! I'm a teapot! I'm a teapot!"
Canada: "You finally really did it! You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"
Hey, you, get off of my blog!
20/5/2009 @ 10:23
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Some say that all applications for the internet will eventually devolve into porn. I disagree...all applications for the internet will eventually devolve into abuse.
If you want to see just how low the human race can stoop, just how petty, small minded, moronic, mean spirited, selfish, agressive, sociopathic and shitty people can be look no further than any discussion forum on the web; particularly IMDb and You Tube.
The latter is particularly nasty. Watch any clip...ANY clip...and all discussion will turn into a paranoid filled kindergarten bunfight at the snap of the fingers. For example, I commented recently on the old BBC TV cop show "Target". I merely said that it was more violent than The Sweeny and The Professionals and a few days later I was called a tosser by someone called Zakotron or something like that. On another occasion I made a comment about the Edgar Winter Group's instrumental classic "Frankenstein" saying that I remembered it from Alan Freeman's old Saturday Rock show on Radio 1. Then someone wrote...I kid you not..."shut up about your radio show and LISTEN TO THE MUSIC!" as if I was interrupting a live performance by the band. By the way, I like the way he thought that somehow I was the late Fluff Freeman or else his producer.
Today I wondered just what drives these people? Do they wake up one day and say "you know, I fancy going online to YouTube or IMDb, finding a clip and hurling abuse at a complete stranger who has an opinion or an observation. In fact, what I REALLY want to do is find someone with a mild opinion and really tear them a new one. Ooh! I know, to make them regret ever writing something I'll write everything with the caps lock on and with a few misspelled words...that will really make them cower in fear at my brilliance!
Voltaire once said "I disagree with what you say but I will fight to the death your right to say it". This seems to have been lost on your average nethead to whom there can be no other opinion tolerated other than their own. Those who yell out "YOU'RE WORSE THAN HITLER" are, ironically, copying Hitler themselves...if you confine Hitler's activities to just squashing all other points of view.
And we haven't even touched on conspiracy theorists....who crop up in the most unlikely of places from old clips of "Tales From The Riverbank" to a snippet of "The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau". These guys are a whole different ball game and are driven by their need to have everything in the world perfectly ordered by some mysterious cabal and who have arranged the forces of nature against them personally. Don't even get me started on the guy who believes that the Mars Rover is responsible for the deaths of 1000s of tiny humans.
My standard response to these morons who think it's OK to hide behind the anonymity of the internet and their nicknames is to tell them that I wouldn't tolerate someone speaking to me like that in person, let alone on the internet. I like to imagine that for one brief moment I'm staring them right in the eyes, daring them to say something else; as if I'm channelling Jules in Pulp Fiction "SAY WHAT ONE MORE TIME! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU!"
More often than not, I hit the "block" button.
The Honourable Blogger for Hendon
15/5/2009 @ 22:48
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Well, every man and his dog, cat, fish, single celled life form has had their opinion on the MP's expenses scandal broadcast and written up in every half baked news show and newspaper...it's my turn.
It's the hypocricy I don't like...and I don't mean the MP's. I mean the press, the media and even the general public who write in or email to say they're offended. It's like all of a sudden only MPs are expenses fiddlers: I've worked in the media for over 15 years and if there's a bigger bunch of expenses fiddlers and blaggers than those in film, TV, radio and news I have yet to encounter them.
And all those "disgusted ordinary voters" who wail and gnash their teeth in the news organs of the UK are little better. I bet they're the types to steal stationary from work, or use the colour laser printers and photocopiers to make party invites and who chalk up trips to hotel bars in the name of "networking clients".
I found out today just how much the grand total of expenses MPs have supposed to have cheated out of the treasury: It's about £120,000. That amount of money could run the NHS for 2 seconds. We're talking pin money here, not the entire gold reserve.
People and the press get heated over David Willets spending £100 on an electrician to change all the lightbulbs in his flat. I say please give me the number of that electrician who will come out for £100 in London! And I happen to know for a fact that Michael Gove's "flipping" of his 2nd home allowance was justified: The guy had just become an MP, he'd moved to his new constituency, bought a 2nd home then found that his wife was pregnant so they needed a bigger family home. This is called "reality" and not fraud. Now the guy has to face a baying mob of retired colonels, outraged SUV driving mothers and ambitious local journalists.
Yes, the system doesn't work and yes, there are some MPs clearly taking the piss. But when you're under pressure to try and make a country work, the world hates you anyway because you're a politician and your job is up for renewel every 4-5 years with no guarantee of getting a new job afterwards well....the temptation to get what you can if it's on offer and legal is great. And who amongst those moaning about this story wouldn't be tempted and give in?
Now the story has mutated into something far more scary: Talk about does our democracy work at all. The demise of the large parties and the rise of the smaller parties. A year 0 and a whole new political system.
Can these hysterical journos backed by a goaded public really have the power to change our democracy? In all seriousness the Today Programme interviewed a member of the public who said that maybe representative democracy had failed and it was time for something else.
ARE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS? If you are one of those people who have been up in arms about this expenses scandal and want radical change can I just point one teeny, tiny thing out to you?
The BNP.
Do you REALLY want the BNP to do well in the elections? Do you really want to see the Respect and Socialist Worker parties improve their standing? Do you really think we need to jack in the Mother of Parliaments because of £120,000?
Charlie Brooker in his excellent Newswipe programme said that after the death of Princess Diana in 1997 the British public split in two: One said "oh, that's a shame but life goes on" and the other who wailed, cried and demanded some kind of act of atonement from the Queen and who did so on national TV. And the media embraced these type of people. Now the hysterical drama queens are demanding scary ass change and all over the equivalent of a tip in an expensive restaurant.
Winston Churchill said "democracy is the worst form of government...except for all the other ones" and it remains true. Which is why I can safely say that on June 4th I will be voting for one of the three main parties in the European elections and not backing some niche group of nutters as a protest vote. I encourage eveyone else to do likewise....unless you like the Green Party. They get an exemption.
All Bloggers Great And Small
11/5/2009 @ 11:52
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So, so sorry I haven't blogged this month. It's the second week of May and I've allowed myself to become distracted by other events, but when you hear why I'm sure you'll agree that it was time well spent.
Last week, I came to the aid of a stricken pigeon. Please, don't thank me yet...save your applause and adulation for afterwards. The accursed rat with wings was lying on the pavement outside my home, unable to attain flight and with its head in a most unnatural angle. The cause for this cranial re-alignment was a huge gaping and bloody wound in its neck...the result of a drunken brawl with one of the neighbourhood cats no doubt. But it was still alive and keeping on going which meant I couldn't just ignore it, walk on and remark to myself that it's the natural law and wrong for me as a human to intervene in an animal dispute.
Well, I couldn't as long as Wifey was aware of the pigeon. "We must contact the RSPCA and do something for it" she said and by "we" she clearly meant "me". So I put in the call to a local animal hospital run by them and told them about a pigeon with a gaping wound in its neck and an upside down head.
I fully expected them to say "look mate, we help dogs, cats, donkeys, horses, exotic animals and songbirds...your ten a penny pigeon is below our remit". If I coaxed them a bit more I might have got a "we can't do something about it, Mr. Hughes, but if you have either an air pistol or an axe we'll talk you through the procedure on the phone".
But no, they said they'd come and within an hour a uniformed RSPCA man was on the scene and had managed to capture the pigeon and take him to the hospital. Well done them; I was genuinely impressed that they'd take the time to do this. I had no need to go down the Tom Lehrer route and poison it.
Afterwards I wondered just how far down the food chain the RSPCA will go to save an animal. Mutilated pigeons are a yes, but what about a stricken rat? Or a neglected spider? An ant with a leg or two missing? Maybe a single celled life form which can't divide? At what point do they say "we're not getting out of bed for that"?
If anyone from the RSPCA is reading this, please get in touch and tell me what the minimum level of lifeform is that you're prepared to help.
